The Best Laid Plans
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My Valentine's Day story this year :-) Harley does her best to plan a romantic, Valentine's Day outing for both her and the Joker, which ends up going nowhere near according to plan.
1. Chapter 1

**The Best Laid Plans**

No mistakes this year, thought Harley Quinn, as she hung up the telephone with a pleased expression on her face. She had booked a table for two at the fanciest restaurant in Gotham City well in advance, and had just confirmed the reservation for February 14th, the most romantic day of the year.

The other year she had left it up to the Joker to plan things for Valentine's Day, which had been a mistake, as he had completely forgotten to do anything. Well, he had a lot on his mind, but Harley generally didn't, aside from Mr. J, of course. Not that she had forgiven him for forgetting initially – that wasn't how their relationship worked. There had been a huge fight, and then Harley had run off with Poison Ivy and Catwoman to an island of Amazons, who had then tried to murder Mr. J when he followed her to drag her back and beat her for being disobedient. Which had shown her how much he truly cared.

But hopefully the dramatic violence of their relationship could be replaced by more casual violence this year, which was Harley's preferred form. They'd go out to this restaurant, have a nice, romantic dinner with perhaps an offhand comment on Mr. J's part which Harley could take offense at, which she could then use as a pretext to start a fight with him when they got home, ending the night with some angry sex, and then loving makeup sex the next morning (which would mean she got sex two times, which was well above her average for the month).

It took a lot to plan things like this, to work around all of Mr. J's quirks and foibles, but Harley was used to it, and truthfully, she kinda enjoyed it. She was, despite what most people believed, fairly intelligent, and like most intelligent people, she used her brain to get what she wanted out of life. And since what she wanted out of life was mostly time and affection from Mr. J, she was very familiar with the best ways to get that. Of course Mr. J always made things interesting by throwing different hurdles in her way, hurdles that she enjoyed countering, and hurdles that she often suspected were his own way of indulging her enjoyment of manipulating him. Their relationship was a mutual challenge for both of them, and they both relished challenges. That was why it worked. Well, that and the mind-blowing sex. They just knew how to push each other's buttons, both physically and mentally.

"Well, I'm glad I could use my one phone call to take care of that," said Harley to herself, as the Arkham Asylum guards led her from the reception desk toward the cell block.

"Yeah, it's good that you used that to reserve a table at a restaurant a month from now, rather than, I don't know, call a lawyer," commented Dr. Leland, head of Arkham Asylum, who accompanied her.

"I don't trust lawyers, Joan, except Harvey, of course," said Harley. "And I don't need a lawyer to spring me outta here. I got Mr. J."

"Yes, he's always considerate and dependable," agreed Dr. Leland, in what she hoped wasn't too sarcastic a tone.

"Hey, he hasn't left me behind the past couple times he's escaped, and he definitely won't leave me behind with Valentine's Day right around the corner," said Harley. "What about you, Joan? You got any plans for Valentine's Day this year?"

"It's not a holiday that's ever meant a lot to me," said Dr. Leland, shrugging. "So I think Ray and I will just stay in."

"Yeah, sometimes that's best," agreed Harley, nodding. "No going out or getting dressed - just a marathon sex session. That was me and Mr. J last year when I got that temporary boob job that he really liked, but not as much as he likes my real, authentic boobs, of course."

"Harley, do you ever wonder if you overshare details about your personal life sometimes?" asked Dr. Leland.

"No," said Harley, blankly. "Anyway, you're my shrink. I'm meant to be able to tell you anything."

"That's right – you are," agreed Dr. Leland. "And it's generally good to be honest, but I think sometimes honesty should be toned down so people can still sleep at night."

"That's funny – that's exactly what Red says when I tell her things," commented Harley, as she opened the door to the Rec Room.

"I'm telling you, unrelenting abuse and insults is the way to a woman's heart," Joker was saying to the room at large, but more specifically to the table around which sat Jonathan Crane, Jervis Tetch, and Edward Nygma. "Women appreciate constant criticism so they can learn how they can improve themselves for you. And honesty is always the best policy in any relationship."

"Please don't listen to him – he really doesn't know anything about women," said Two-Face.

"This from the man who's dating Poison Ivy," retorted Joker. "Sure, if you want that kinda psycho, plant-loving woman, don't listen to me."

"I've dated lots of other women besides Ivy," retorted Two-Face. "I was even engaged before her, so I know what I'm talking about. Have you dated anyone besides Harley?"

"Probably," said Joker, shrugging. "But nobody that I can remember."

"And we wanna keep it that way," agreed Harley, as she bounced over and kissed his forehead.

"Hey, pooh, you're back," said Joker. "I thought you might be, since I saw you on the news last night attacking Batsy with Pammie and the babies. I was so proud of them – I told everyone here, 'Those are my boys!' when they were ripping Bats around like a chew toy."

"Yeah, Red was lucky enough to escape in all the confusion, but the babies got taken to the zoo again," sighed Harley. "But we'll bust 'em out when we bust out, before Valentine's Day, right?"

"Sure thing," said Joker, nodding. "Sorry, Harv, looks like you're gonna have to go without your conjugal visit until Pammie gets back here, hopefully in time for Valentine's Day," he added, turning to Two-Face. "But this just confirms what the nerds were saying earlier – there is a lotta crap about Valentine's Day being shoved in your face constantly, which can probably be pretty hurtful if you're a loser like them who's never had a relationship and never will."

"I expressed some dissatisfaction about a television commercial to that effect," agreed Crane. "And so Joker helpfully decided to give us some tips in attracting women, since he clearly knows so much about them," he added, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Well, what works for me might not work for everyone," said Harley.

"Well, some people here are only interested in what works for you," retorted Nygma.

"Shut up, Edward!" hissed Crane.

"I think generalizing as to what women want is very unhelpful," spoke up Tetch. "Women, like men, are individual beings with their own tastes and preferences. The best way to a woman's heart, in my view, is to get to know her and respect her as a person."

"Boy, you can tell you've never had a girlfriend!" chuckled Joker. "Get to know her and respect her, that's a good one! See, this is why you need to control women's minds to make them interested in you – because you totally don't get women!"

"I think as with most things, there are exceptions to every rule, but there is generally a broad consensus as to how women act and what they want," said Nygma. "And I would certainly go to Harvey rather than Joker for advice on how to attract the average woman."

"Well, then you'll have to settle for an average woman," retorted Joker. "Which seems unfair on the woman, really, since you're obviously a below average man."

"You know, you guys shouldn't give up on meeting someone," said Harley. "With the internet now, there are lots of easy ways to meet all kinds of people without even leaving your house, or this asylum. If anything, the fact that you're locked up will definitely make you more attractive to certain types of women."

"Women like you, you mean?" demanded Nygma. "Women who are attracted to the criminal scum of the earth?"

"Wow, harsh and unnecessary," commented Joker.

"You should be so lucky as to date half an attractive, compassionate, intelligent woman as Harley!" snapped Crane, glaring at Nygma.

"No, _you _should be so lucky," retorted Nygma. "I'm aiming for a little higher than a dumb blonde bimbo who's mindlessly attracted to brutal, base, and savage men. Someone with an ounce of self-respect, for instance."

"Well, no self-respecting woman would ever date you, so I think that's highly unlikely," commented Harley. "But go ahead, Eddie, prove me wrong. Get yourself out there and show us all what kind of women your supposed massive intellect can attract. I mean, I love a man with an ego, but only when it's well deserved, which yours certainly ain't."

"I will prove you wrong!" snapped Nygma, standing up. "I'll show you – I'll show you all! A man as exceptional as me will attract the most exceptional woman, just you wait and see!"

"You know, exceptional is a synonym for freakish," commented Joker, as Nygma stormed off. "So I kinda agree with him."

"I think you two should try online dating too – you're guaranteed to have more success than Eddie on account of you being nice guys and all," said Harley to Crane and Tetch.

"Alas, my heart is pledged to Alice," said Tetch. "It would be wrong to betray her by giving it to someone else."

"Yeah, but this could be a woman who might love you back," said Harley.

"I prefer to suffer for my true love, my dear, than to settle for anything inferior," replied Tetch.

"Aw, I understand," said Harley, beaming. "That's how I feel about Mr. J," she added, kissing him again. "But Johnny, you should really get yourself out there," she said, turning to him. "You haven't pledged your heart to an unattainable woman, so there's really no excuse."

"No, I suppose there isn't," sighed Crane. "Much as I would like there to be. But there just doesn't seem to be any excuse I can reach for to avoid this agony."

"Yeah, but the agony is all part of the fun of a relationship," said Joker, beaming.

"True, puddin'," agreed Harley. "Now can we come up with a plan to bust outta here? You know I don't like leaving the babies alone longer than I have to."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll think of something," sighed Joker. "Geez, you just don't understand the pressure of having a relationship and kids, Johnny. They're always demanding something from you, like clever escape attempts from high security mental hospitals, so you should count yourself lucky you're gonna die alone."

"Noted," said Crane, as Joker and Harley headed back to his cell. "Thank you for that."

"It couldn't hurt to try online dating, you know, Jonathan," said Tetch, as he poured a cup of tea for himself and his friend. "Just meeting other women might be the first step in getting over this infatuation with Harley."

"I've met other women," retorted Crane. "I've met lots of other women, and they just don't compare. Which is probably how you feel about Alice."

"Yes, but I am largely content in my unrequited love, which is more than I can say for you," replied Tetch. "I hate to see you unhappy, and I know you'll be miserable over Valentine's Day as usual. If Edward is confident he can find someone, why can't you?"

"Yeah, you can't be worse than Nygma," agreed Two-Face. "And if he's going for it, so should you."

"I do truly appreciate your concern, but the only woman I want to spend Valentine's Day with is Harley," retorted Crane. "And since that's an impossibility, I would prefer to spend it alone. Thank you," he said, returning to his book and effectively ending the conversation.

Tetch and Two-Face shared a look, and shrugged. "I certainly shouldn't judge another person for their nonsensical ideas," commented Tetch, as he picked up his own book. "And who knows? I believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast, after all. And one of those impossible things might well be Jonathan spending Valentine's Day with Harley."

Impossible things were about to come true.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come in!" called the Joker cheerfully, on the morning of Valentine's Day. He stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist and wiping condensation off the mirror, as the door was pushed open and his pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, padded into the bathroom.

"Oh, I wasn't expecting you boys," said Joker, glancing in the mirror. "When I heard someone scratching and growling at the door to the bathroom where I'm sure to be naked, I thought it would be Harley. But I guess she doesn't want to ruin the surprise for tonight. Well, as long as you're here, I might as well give you boys some tips on how to get yourself made up for a woman, so that maybe one day, you'll be as successful as your old man in attracting the dames," he said, reaching for the shaving foam.

The hyenas shared a look, and then barked. "Well, obviously you won't be shaving, boys, but it's important for a man not to look like a slob and actually appear to have made an effort for a dame," retorted Joker, as he spread the foam over his face and reached for his razor. "The ladies don't wanna have a lotta stubble scraping over their sensitive skin, so a nice, smooth shave is essential. Not in all areas, of course – the dames like to know you're a real man, and a real man has hair," he added, reaching for the talcum powder and shaking it under his towel. "Hope you're ready to perform tonight, buddy," he added, looking downward. "But you've never failed me yet. People talk about guys having a more difficult time as they get older, but that's never been a problem for me, and I've been around 80-odd years at this point. But in order to get down to business down there, I would say that the most important thing is probably a nice, clean mouth, with shining white teeth," he added, reaching for his toothbrush. "Nobody with bad breath ever gets laid. And there is nothing more attractive to a woman than a nice, big smile."

The hyenas whined, barking again. "Don't worry, we always get your teeth cleaned when you go to the vet, so you should be good to go," replied Joker, spitting out the toothpaste. "Though your breath does often leave a lot to be desired, but maybe hyena dames are less picky." He swirled some mouthwash around, and then spat it out, reaching for his cologne. "And for the finishing touch, a little splash of Chez Gerard's _Forbidden_ to complement my natural enchanting musk. This has the bonus effect of annoying Pammie, as she used to work for them until they started testing on plants. It's a daring scent, but I think you can both pull it off if I can – hints of juniper and sandalwood that just drives the ladies wild."

The hyenas barked a third time, and began tugging on Joker's towel. "Hey now, you don't need to see everything," said Joker. "Although I do look incredible in my full glory, and the effect on women is simply irresistible. When the ladies get a glimpse of the full Joker, they just can't keep their hands off me."

The hyenas tugged at the towel again, pulling it off. "Geez, is it wrong to get turned on by yourself?" sighed Joker, staring at his reflection. "Because if it is, I don't wanna be right."

"Puddin'?" asked Harley, stepping into the bathroom. "Why are you naked in here with the babies?"

"I don't know – ask them," retorted Joker, as the hyenas dropped the towel and tried to nudge Joker forward. "See anything you like?" he added, grinning at Harley.

"I love everything I see," she purred, kissing him. "And we got time before dinner. A lotta unstructured time that I ain't made concrete plans for. We could play around a little, maybe help ourselves to an appetizer…"

"Now don't you think you're getting a little greedy, pooh?" asked Joker, drawing away from her kisses. "I mean, I assume you're expecting some action tonight. The wait will only increase your appetite, and the pleasure of sating it."

"You always say that, and I don't think it's actually true," retorted Harley, as she began to lick down his neck and chest. "I mean, if you got a craving for a popsicle, do you wait and resist it so you'll have a stronger appetite later, or do you just gorge yourself on it right then, sucking it all into your mouth at once?"

"Well…I guess a few licks couldn't hurt," agreed Joker, returning her kisses.

As Harley knelt down, the hyenas began nudging her toward the door. "Geez, what is the matter with them?" she demanded. "Babies, Mommy and Daddy are trying to have some private time, so why don't you give them some privacy?"

The hyenas whined, barking again and continuing to nudge her away. "I don't understand why they're acting like this," said Harley. "They're never this demanding unless they ain't been fed…"

She trailed off. "They ain't been fed," she murmured. "I forgot to feed 'em today."

"That's not like you, pooh," commented Joker.

"I know, I guess I've just been so busy planning Valentine's Day that the regular, everyday, mundane tasks slipped my mind," agreed Harley. "Oh, poor babies, c'mon," she said, heading for the door. "Let's get you some meat. Which I'm gonna have to miss out on for the moment," she sighed.

"Only makes your appetite stronger, like I said!" chuckled Joker, returning to admiring himself in the mirror. "I know mine is!"

Harley sighed again as she headed into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. "Should have some steak in here…" she began, but her face fell when she saw the refrigerator was empty.

"Huh. Guess I forgot to do the shopping too," she said to herself. "Honestly, Harl, you'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders! I'd better go out and get you boys some food – puddin'!" she called down the hall. "I gotta go to the store! You need anything? Anything for tonight, maybe?"

"Just what exactly are you implying?" demanded Joker. "What would I need for tonight that you'd need to get from a store?"

"I dunno – whipped cream or something," she retorted. "Why? What were you thinking?"

"I thought maybe you were thinking that as an 80-odd-year-old man, I might have some problems that would need pharmaceutical help," he retorted.

"You're not 80, puddin'," said Harley, confused.

"How do you know?" he demanded. "Do you know when I was born?"

"No," she retorted. "Do you?"

"No," he replied. "But I've been around 80-odd years now. I just don't seem to age in any respect, which is funny, but there you are."

"You know, sometimes you really do talk crazy, puddin'," sighed Harley. "I don't generally believe it when everyone calls you that, but you gotta admit, sometimes you do give them valid reasons."

"Think what you want," snapped Joker. "What would you know, after all, having only been around 28 years?"

"I'm 31, puddin'," retorted Harley.

"Sure you are," he sighed. "And people call me crazy."

Harley rolled her eyes. "I'm taking the babies to the store," she said, reaching for their leashes. "That way I can get in and out without people getting in my way, and I might not have to go there at all if they attack some randomer and eat 'em on the way. I'll be back in two minutes," she added, clipping the leashes on to the hyenas and then reaching for her roller skates. "Don't get lonely," she added, kissing him.

"You know, I never do," he retorted. "Because I know you'll never leave me alone, you clinging little brat."

"I love you too!" she called, waving at him as the hyenas pulled her out of the hideout.

"Guess I better get dressed in something irresistible," said Joker to himself, as the door shut. "Of course the birthday suit is irresistible to the dames, but I'll probably be arrested if I go out in it, because my looks are criminal," he sighed. "I tell ya, it's hard being the Joker, but somebody's gotta do it."


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm sorry, why are we here?" demanded Jonathan Crane, glaring around the café at the happy couples surrounding him.

"We're here because Edward wanted to meet us here," retorted Jervis Tetch, glancing at his pocket watch. "And he's late for a very important date."

"It's terribly awkward being out together on Valentine's Day like this – people are going to think we're some kind of couple," snapped Crane.

"I don't see why you'd be offended by that – I think you could definitely do worse than me for a romantic partner," retorted Tetch. "Or are you implying that the reason women haven't been lining up to date you is because they think we're in a relationship, and therefore blaming me for your lack of success with the fair sex?"

"I'm doing nothing of the kind," retorted Crane. "I told you, I'm not interested in any woman besides Harley. I'm just irritated at having to see all these nauseating couples – couldn't we have met Edward at his or our hideout?"

"He wanted to meet in public," replied Tetch. "I assume to show off this date of his. While you're hoping rumors won't fly around about us, Edward is probably hoping that rumors do start flying about this no doubt unbelievably attractive woman he's managed to interest."

Crane laughed. "Thank you, Jervis, I needed that," he said, reaching for his cup of tea and sipping it.

"Good morning – happy Valentine's Day," said a familiar voice. Crane looked up, and choked on his tea, as he saw Edward Nygma standing next to their table with a stunningly beautiful woman on his arm. "Jonathan, Jervis, may I introduce you to Miss Chloe Harper," said Nygma.

"Charmed, my dear," said Tetch, standing up to kiss her hand.

"Yeah, hi," she replied, not looking up from her cell phone screen. "Eddie, darling, do we know how long this is going to take?" she asked, briefly looking up at him as they sat down.

"Not long, my dear," he said, patting her hand. "She's always so eager to be alone with me," he added, smiling pointedly at Crane and Tetch. "Being out in public where we have to obey certain rules of decorum is simply excruciating for her."

"Yes, I've noticed her lack of decorum," commented Crane, as Chloe's eyes remained glued to the phone screen in front of her as she popped a bubble of gum. "How did…you two meet?"

"The internet," replied Nygma. "It really is a marvelous place – Harley may not know much, but she was right about that. There are people on there who are fans of all us Rogues, if you can believe it. And I found Chloe here on one of these fansites – she's been following my exploits for years."

"Yeah, I'm totally into the riddle thing," agreed Chloe.

"Oh, really?" asked Tetch. "I enjoy the ones in the novels of Lewis Carroll, certainly. I don't suppose you're a fan?"

"I'm not a fan of just anyone," retorted Chloe, rolling her eyes. "I mean, I guess some people like penguins, but it's just not for me."

"Penguins?" repeated Tetch, puzzled.

"Yeah, that's you, right?" she asked. "The Penguin guy."

"I'm the Mad Hatter," replied Tetch.

Chloe looked up briefly at him again. "Never heard of you," she said, looking back down at her screen. "And I'm not seeing you on any of these Top 10 Batman Villain lists."

"Well, that's a little offensive, I must say," muttered Tetch, sipping his tea angrily.

"You're finding Edward on those Top 10 Batman Villain lists?" asked Crane, skeptically.

"Oh yeah, he's totally famous," agreed Chloe. "Really, really popular for a lotta years."

"See? I told you you've been underestimating my popularity," said Nygma, smugly. "I do consistently beat Scarecrow, don't I, my dear?"

"Actually, you're pretty evenly ranked," replied Chloe. "He had that part in that movie that really rocketed his popularity, where he was played by that super hot guy with the blue eyes."

"What movie?" demanded Crane. "I haven't seen any royalties for people using my likeness!"

"Oh, he was nothing like you," retorted Chloe, glancing up at him again. "Super hot, like I said. There's just no comparison to you."

"Darling, why don't you sit here and entertain Jonathan and Jervis while I get us some coffees?" asked Nygma, standing up and heading over to the counter.

"I must say, you and Edward do seem to be suited personality wise," said Crane, forcing a smile. "Is that what attracts you to him?"

"I want his body," retorted Chloe, her eyes glued back on her screen.

"Ah, I see," said Crane, sharing a look with Tetch. "So this is more of a physical thing for you…"

"No, I literally want his body," she interrupted, looking back up at him. "When he dies. I want to stuff it and put it on display. He's popular enough that freaks will pay all kinds of money to see him – there's a lot of people out there who enjoy sick stuff like that, especially in Gotham. I figured setting his corpse up as a tourist attraction would be a good way to make a lot of money really fast."

"But…Edward would have to die before that happens," said Crane, slowly.

"Yeah," she agreed, shrugging. "But that's not a problem here in Gotham either. The complicated thing is that we have to get married before he dies, so that way his body will go to me. So I have to keep him interested until he proposes, but since he's paying me by the hour anyway, I can afford to wait."

"He's paying you to be his girlfriend?" demanded Tetch.

"Yeah, I work for an escort service," she replied, keeping her eyes fixed on her phone. "And a good way to drum up business is to trawl these fansites, since a lot of desperate, lonely men are on them. When Eddie messaged me, I thought he was just some sad guy pretending to be a supercriminal. But when I found out he was the real thing, this great business idea popped into my head. He currently owes me thousands of dollars for my companionship – I charge extra on Valentine's Day, and I'll be billing him at the end of the week. He's been a lifesaver for me, he really has," she added, popping a bubble of gum again. "But, y'know, he thinks I'm madly in love with him and all, so don't spill the beans, huh?" she said, not even looking up at them.

Neither of them knew how exactly to respond to that, but fortunately they didn't have to.

There was a sudden commotion at the front of the café – loud screaming as a man stumbled into the building, being mauled by what appeared to be two dogs with a woman on roller skates futilely trying to control them.

"Babies, sit! Babies, stop it! Stop playing with your food!" she shouted. The man who was being attacked tried to fight the animals off, struggling against them as they knocked over tables and dishes. The animals suddenly lunged forward and pinned him to the ground, sending the woman flying across the café and into Crane, and knocking them both to the floor.

"Oh…Johnny, hi!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, beaming at him. "Happy Valentine's!"

"H…Harley," stammered Crane, who was blushing bright red at seeing her on top of him. "Good…good day to you…"

"Thank God it's you – I'm such a klutz, and I'm always awkwardly running into people!" she laughed "But I'm glad it's someone I know this time so it ain't so awkward!"

"N…no, not awkward at all," stammered Crane, as she struggled to climb off him with her skates on, which only made her flop around on top of him even more.

"Here, let me help you up, my dear," said Tetch, holding out his hand and helping Harley steady herself as she leaned against the table. "It's certainly unexpected to see you out and about on Valentine's Day – I thought you had plans with the Joker."

"Well, I did," sighed Harley. "But unfortunately the babies had other plans," she added, nodding over at the hyenas who had mauled the man to death, and were now feasting on his corpse. "And you got certain responsibilities as a parent that you just can't ignore. They needed to be fed, and we're outta food at home, so I was taking 'em to the store to pick up something for 'em. I had to leave Mr. J when he was naked, and it was hard."

She giggled. "I know Mr. J told me not to explain jokes, but do you get it? _It _was hard is a double entendre, both the leaving him, and his…"

"Yes, thank you, my dear, we get it," interrupted Tetch.

"Oh my God, you're Harley Quinn!" said Chloe, staring at her.

"Yeah, hi, pleased to meetcha," said Harley, smiling and holding out her hand to her. "I'm guessing you're Johnny's date? I'm really glad he decided to try the online dating thing after all – it's clearly paid off!"

"No, no, no, this woman is not my date," said Crane, hastily. "This woman has nothing to do with me at all, nor ever will. She's Edward's escort, and I do mean that literally…"

He trailed off as he looked around for Nygma, and saw him lying unconscious on the floor by the counter with a bump on his forehead – the hyenas had apparently knocked him into the counter while they were fighting with their victim.

"How does that work with you and Joker?" interrupted Chloe. "I mean, you're not married, right? So if he dies, do you get his stuff? Has he made a will or anything?"

"Well, Mr. J ain't dying anytime soon, so I don't have to worry about that!" laughed Harley. "I mean, he says he's eighty years old, but that's just a joke, although I don't get it. Anyway, we will get married someday."

"You should hurry him up, if you can," said Chloe. "Before someone else snaps him up. A valuable guy like that is a precious commodity."

"Don't I know it!" said Harley, beaming. "And it's nice to hear another woman singing his praises for a change – most gals I know hate him. Which is good, because if I thought there were women out there who wanted to steal him, I would have to murder them horribly," she added, her face falling suddenly and becoming deadly serious. "Because he's mine, and he'll always be mine, and if anyone tried to take him away from me, I would ritually disembowel them and feed their entrails to my babies."

Chloe backed away slightly at the look in Harley's eyes, but her face broke into a smile again as her hyenas padded over to her, nuzzling against her. "Babies, there you are – we were just talking about you!" she cooed, petting them. "Are you all full now? Can Mommy go back to Daddy and get this Valentine's Day started?"

The hyenas yipped happily, licking her face with blood-stained jaws. "Ok, good," she said, picking up their leashes. "Well, I'll leave you boys to it – enjoy your date, Johnny."

"She's not my date…" repeated Crane, but he was cut off as a familiar figure burst through the glass ceiling of the café, landing in front of the hyenas, who snarled, baring their hackles at him.

"Oh good, just what we need," commented Tetch, as Batman glared at them. "The Jabbatwocky."

"Don't you have someplace to be today, you big jerk?" snapped Harley. "Like Selina's?"

"I do generally try to enjoy a quiet Valentine's Days with my girlfriend, but then I get reports of innocent bystanders being mauled to death by hyenas," muttered Batman.

"So why don't you keep your big nose outta it, and keep your undoubtedly small appendage in a certain pussy instead?" demanded Harley. She beamed again. "Mr. J woulda liked that one – I'll have to remember to tell him!"

"You're coming with me to Arkham, Harley," snapped Batman, starting forward.

"Uh uh, no way!" snapped Harley, sliding backwards on her skates. "You ain't ruining my Valentine's Day by locking me up! Mr. J's expecting me back in two minutes, and I ain't making him wait for his Harley pie!"

"That wasn't a request," retorted Batman, reaching out to tackle her.

The hyenas launched themselves at Batman at that moment, knocking him to the ground. "Run, guys!" shouted Harley at Crane and Tetch, as she skated toward the door. "Babies, come!" she shouted, whistling.

The hyenas leapt off Batman, racing after her and soon overtaking her. She grabbed their leashes as they passed, and they pulled her out of the café and down the street.

"He's got the Batmobile," muttered Crane, as he and Tetch ran outside and saw the car parked across the street. "Harley will never be able to outrun him on skates."

"It's really none of our business – we should just get out of here while he's focusing on her," said Tetch, who was fiddling the lock on a nearby car, whose keys had helpfully been left in the ignition. "I don't mind going back to Arkham, but you know Batman would never take us back there without a thorough beating first, and I've no desire to be beaten to a bloody pulp today."

"Yes. I'll drive," said Crane, as Tetch opened the door. Tetch shrugged, sliding over to the passenger seat as Crane took the wheel and sped off into the streets.

"Why are we driving towards Harley?" demanded Tetch. "If Batman's after her, we should be going in the opposite direction!"

"I'm not letting him beat her to a bloody pulp today either!" snapped Crane, driving up beside Harley and unlocking the back door while slamming on the brakes.

"Get in!" he called.

"Thanks, Johnny, you're a pal!" exclaimed Harley, as the hyenas leapt into the backseat, dragging her after them. "And a gentleman, for not leaving a damsel in distress behind."

"Well, I try," agreed Crane. "Not that I would ever describe you as a damsel in distress, Harley."

"No, I meant your girlfriend," said Harley. Crane turned in horror to see Chloe sitting in the backseat, still on her phone.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded.

"This is my car," she retorted, glaring up at him. "I'm not letting criminals go off with it – I'll never get it back."

"Yeah, when a relationship is new, you don't always have trust right away," agreed Harley, nodding.

"For the last time, she's not my…" began Crane.

"Drive!" shouted Tetch, as he saw the Batmobile gaining ground in the side mirrors. Crane slammed his foot on the gas, making a screeching turn down a side street in order to lose him.

"Does anyone have a phone I can borrow to call Mr. J?" asked Harley. "I left mine at home because I thought I'd only be gone for two minutes, but I want to let him know the Bat's on our tail, which is why I'm late getting back."

"I don't own a mobile phone," said Tetch.

"And I don't carry mine regularly," retorted Crane.

"How about you, blondie?" asked Harley, looking at Chloe. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"It's Chloe," she said, not looking up from her screen. "And I'm using my phone, so no, you can't borrow it."

"It'll just take a second," said Harley.

"What part of 'I'm using my phone' don't you understand?" asked Chloe, glaring up at her.

"But it's an emergency!" exclaimed Harley. "I don't want puddin' thinking that I'm standing him up on Valentine's Day!"

"Then maybe you should have brought your phone," retorted Chloe, returning her eyes to the screen.

Harley glared at her. "No offense, Johnny, but I'm kinda questioning your taste in women," she said.

"Yes," sighed Crane, as he screeched into another alley. "So am I."


	4. Chapter 4

"It seems like it's been a lot longer than two minutes," commented the Joker to the empty hideout, checking his watch. "Where is that useless waste of space? You'd think she'd at least give me a call telling me she's gonna be late…"

The phone rang at that moment. "Ah, that'll be her now," he said, reaching for it. "Pumpkin pie, you're gonna get such a spanking from Daddy when you get back!"

"Um…I'd like to speak to Harleen Quinzel, if she's available," said the uncomfortable male voice on the other end.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Joker. "I won't have strange men calling up my dame on Valentine's Day!"

"She asked me to call her," retorted the man. "Is she available?"

"She did no such thing!" snapped Joker. "Harley would never ask a strange man to call her – she's loyal to a fault! Now beat it before I hunt you down and rip out your tongue for lying!"

"Sir, I'm just trying to confirm a reservation for her," said the man on the other end.

"Oh. Reservation for what?" demanded Joker.

"I'm afraid she asked me to keep that confidential," said the man. "It would be a violation of our customer's privacy to give you that information. Now can I please speak to her?"

"Yeah…sure," said Joker, who obviously wasn't going to let a little thing like privacy foil his curiosity. "Just hang on a sec…Harley!" he shouted. "Phone for you, you worthless brat! Thanks, puddin'," he said, raising the pitch of his voice and putting on an accent in a surprisingly effective impersonation of Harley. "Hiya, Harley Quinn here!"

"Am I speaking with Harleen Quinzel?" asked the man.

"Call me Harley – everyone does!" squeaked Joker. "What can I do ya for?"

"Miss Quinzel, this is Marcus from Dini Towers," said the man. "We're just calling to confirm your reservation – table for two tonight at 7.30 PM. We ask that you please be prompt, since it is Valentine's Day, and we only hold tables for ten minutes after the appointed time. I also just wanted to confirm that you've ordered our Eternal Romance package, which you won't be refunded on if you're late. "

"Rightaroonie!" squeaked Joker. "Can you remind me what that Eternal Romance package is again?"

"It's the height of elegance – a private table festooned with roses, your own personal orchestra, and unlimited champagne," said Marcus. "But again, completely non-refundable."

"Don't worry – there's no way I'm missing my date with puddin'!" squeaked Joker. "He's just the greatest guy in the whole world!"

"Yes, he…certainly sounded like it," said Marcus, slowly.

"Was that sarcasm?" demanded Joker, in his usual voice. "I recognize sarcasm when I hear it! Puddin', give me the phone back!" he squeaked, in Harley's voice again as he snatched the phone from his other hand. "Sorry about him trying to eavesdrop – he's a naughty boy and I'm gonna punish him good! I'd like to see you try, you dumb blonde!" he snapped, snatching the phone back from his other hand. "I'm gonna be the one punishing you! Oh, puddin', I do love a strong, forceful man!" he sighed, snatching the phone back in Harley's voice. "It ain't fair how much better you are than all other men, crazy handsome, hysterically funny, incredibly intelligent, fantastically endowed…"

"We'll see you tonight, Miss Quinzel," interrupted Marcus, hastily hanging up the phone.

"Ugh, how does she talk like that constantly?" demanded Joker, massaging his throat. "I'd lose my voice."

He sighed. "Well, there's no point in hanging around here all day if the worthless dame ain't coming back, and ain't letting me know what her plans are…"

He trailed off slowly. "Wait a minute," he said, turning back to the phone. "Maybe that _was_ her letting me know! The guy said she asked him to call – maybe this is some elaborate setup on her part! She's set up a Valentine's Day scavenger hunt for me, and that was my first clue! I need to head to Dini Towers, and once I'm there, the next part of the scavenger hunt will reveal itself to me. I knew forgetting to feed the babies wasn't in character - she intentionally forgot to feed the mutts so she'd have an excuse to go out and not spoil the surprise. Well, she's smarter than I give her credit for sometimes," he said, heading for the door.

He opened it to a strangely sunny day in Gotham. "Ew, disgusting," he muttered, glaring at it. "Probably should wear sunscreen – I don't live in this town for the sun, y'know, and I burn like crazy because of my ultra-fair skin. That's why the hat is always a good choice," he added, taking it from the hanger, along with his cane. "Good for sun and rain – these things should really come back into fashion. Of course I'm always fashionable - maybe I could start a trend. Although the purple suit thing has never caught on, and God knows why, since it's a killer look."

He whistled, twirling his cane and heading across the street to his car. "I wonder where Bats is this fine Valentine's Day," he commented to himself. "He probably has plans with the Cat, but he can never enjoy her company for very long when there's crime afoot."

At that moment, a car whizzed past him on the street, closely tailed by the Batmobile. "Speak of the devil!" chuckled Joker. "Geez, I'm glad I'm not that guy," he said, watching the car he was pursuing disappear on the horizon. "Gonna be beaten into a pulp on Valentine's Day, and not as a precursor to sex, which is a shame. Unless he's chasing down Kitty Pie, of course, which I find very unlikely!" he chuckled. "You know, it's sad how some couples can't get along," he sighed, unlocking the car and climbing into the driver's seat. "Why would you wanna be with a person when they only infuriate you and make you miserable? Why cling on to something when you get no hint of affection or respect from the other half? It's just such a waste when you idealize someone as your perfect partner, and can't see that the reality is they ain't worthy of your time, and that you've built 'em up in your head to be something they're not. That must be what it's like for women who date heroes – poor deluded idiots," he sighed, starting the engine and backing out into the street. "Thank God Harley's nothing like that."


	5. Chapter 5

"Can't this piece of junk go any faster?" demanded Harley, glancing out the window to see the Batmobile hot on their heels.

"It's not a piece of junk," retorted Chloe, not looking up from her phone. "It's just not being driven properly."

"You're welcome to come over here and take the wheel!" snapped Crane.

"Not really – we don't have time to switch seats in the middle of a car chase," commented Tetch.

"Wait, is that Mr. J?" demanded Harley, as she saw a flash of purple out the window. They were speeding by so fast that by the time she had rolled down the window and shouted, "Mr. J! Where are you going? Why are you getting in the car?!", they were already well out of earshot.

"Mr. J!" Harley continued to scream.

"He can't hear you, Harley," retorted Tetch.

"I know that!" snapped Harley, slamming her fists against the car. "Aw, criminey, if he's left the hideout my plans for today are already ruined! Johnny, can you turn around and try and tail his car?"

"With the Batmobile on our tail?" demanded Crane, gripping the wheel in sudden panic when he saw a string of cars stopped at a red light in front of him. Then he thought for a moment. "Yes, I can," he added quietly.

He swung the car around, the tires screeching as he made a sudden u-turn and sent the vehicle onto two wheels, tilting up into the air. When it landed, he slammed on the accelerator, zipping past the Batmobile as it slammed on the brakes too late to stop it rear-ending a stopped car.

"That was a great piece of driving, Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, as she watched Batman slowly climb out of the smoking Batmobile to face the angry driver. "Now follow the purple car!"

"How did you know the car wasn't going to tip over?" gasped Tetch, who was visibly shaken.

"I didn't," retorted Crane. "But I'm feeling rather reckless today."

"You could have killed us all!" snapped Chloe. "And you could have wrecked my car!"

"But I didn't," repeated Crane, who was trying to keep his eyes on the purple car, which stood out even in Gotham's dense traffic.

"If you get near enough, I'll jump out with the babies, and they can pull me so I'm close enough to grab his car," said Harley, her hand on the door handle.

"I think there's a traffic light up ahead, so he might slow down…" began Tetch, but that hope was soon dashed as they watched the purple car drive through the green light, which then instantly changed to yellow as they approached it, and finally red as they reached it.

"Just run it, Johnny!" shouted Harley. "We can't lose him!"

Crane sighed, about to do just that, when something suddenly crashed through the sunroof of the car. "Ok, everyone out of the…wait, Johnny, Jervis, Harley, what are you all doing here?"

They turned to see that Catwoman had landed in the backseat, with her cat perched on her shoulder and a large bag of loot in her claws.

"Selina, we just lost your boyfriend!" exclaimed Harley. "You should have landed in here a few minutes ago – you'd have been a much better distraction than forcing his car to crash into some randomer's. Sorry if he's hurt, by the way, but I'm not really that sorry."

"If you're referring to Batman, he's my ex-boyfriend," retorted Catwoman. "I thought it would be easier if we broke up prior to Valentine's Day, firstly so I wouldn't have to suffer the disappointment of being abandoned halfway through lunch, which I always am, and secondly so I can visit a few rich people's apartments and steal the new jewels they bought their other halves today. It's quite a haul…"

"Great, because you owe me a lot for damaging my car!" shouted Chloe, pointing at the broken sunroof.

"Who's this?" asked Selina.

"Johnny's date," said Harley.

"No, she's not…" began Crane.

"Light's green," interrupted Selina, and Crane slammed his foot on the accelerator, sending the tires screeching.

"Do you still see Mr. J up ahead?" asked Harley, craning her neck.

"Wow, you're having to chase him on Valentine's Day now?" asked Selina. "That's sad."

"No, it's all a big misunderstanding," said Harley. "Kinda a long story, but I don't know why he's heading out or where he's going, and if we lose him, I won't find out and I'll miss Valentine's Day with him! That's the most important day of the year, and I won't miss it, not for anything!"

"Harley, I think he might have turned down one of these side-streets," commented Tetch. "I don't see him anywhere."

"No, no, no, he's got to be there!" exclaimed Harley, standing up and leaning over the front seat for a better look. This removed the barrier between the hyenas and Catwoman, but more importantly, her cat, which began hissing at them. The hyenas snarled back, baring their hackles and barking. The cat immediately leapt from Catwoman's shoulder out the car window, and the hyenas instantly followed suit, chasing after her with wagging tails.

"Oh my God, tell your mutts to stop harassing my baby!" shouted Selina, as the cars next to them slammed on their brakes to avoid hitting the animals, who ran across the street and into a nearby park.

"Babies! Come back! Leave the kitty alone! Babies!" called Harley, throwing open the door and skating after them with Selina on her heels.

"Harley, I can't park here in the middle of the road!" shouted Crane after her, as the cars surrounding them began honking.

"Then get my car off the goddamn road!" shouted Chloe, who barely glanced up from her phone. "And don't let that woman get away without paying for the damage to it!"

"We're going to lose them in the park if we're not careful," commented Tetch, as Crane looked for a space to park the car by the roadside. "Which I honestly wouldn't object to at this point. It seems like we should leave Harley to take care of herself…"

"We can't just abandon her on her own when she doesn't know where her paramour has gone!" interrupted Crane.

"I don't see why not – she'll hunt him down eventually, and she'll be more successful than any of us at doing that, as she knows how he thinks," retorted Tetch. "And of course while I wouldn't normally advocate abandoning ladies in the wilderness, Harley is more than capable of handling herself, as is Selina. I've had enough adventure for one day - I'm not a man of action, and I'm not cut out for this wild and fast-paced living."

"Look, Batman won't be out of action for long, and I'm not letting him hurt Harley if he finds her!" snapped Crane, parking the car and jumping out. "You can stay here if you like and see that no more damage occurs to Chloe's car."

"That would involve staying with Chloe," retorted Tetch, as he sprinted after his friend into the park. "Where do you suppose they've gone?" he asked, looking around.

"Follow the shouting," retorted Crane, doing just that. They rounded a corner to see that Catwoman's cat had climbed a tree, and the hyenas were at the base of it, jumping up and growling at the cat. Harley tried to hold them back, shouting at them to leave the cat alone, while Catwoman was climbing up the tree after her cat.

"Johnny, Jervis, help her drag the mutts away!" shouted Catwoman, spying them.

"Babies, come on!" cried Harley, yanking their leashes futilely. "You can play with the kitty later!"

"They most certainly cannot!" snapped Selina, picking up her cat and petting it comfortingly. "Poor Isis baby," she cooed. "Don't worry about the big, mean, ugly hyenas – I won't let them hurt you."

"They ain't ugly!" snapped Harley. "Or mean! They just wanna play! I can't help it that your cat is stuck-up, just like you!"

"I'm not going anywhere near those animals," said Tetch. "They're wild beasts and they'll probably turn on anyone who isn't Harley."

"Fine, I'll do it!" snapped Crane, grabbing one of the hyena's leashes. He used all of his strength in one mighty pull, which sent the hyena backwards into him, knocking them both into a bed of roses.

"Johnny, are you ok?" asked Harley, who immediately rushed over to help him up.

"Yes, I think so…" began Crane, but the ground suddenly began to rumble beneath them. An instant later, the rose bush rose up, enveloping Crane, Harley, and the hyenas in a thicket of its branches, which instantly grew over them, trapping them inside the bush. Thorns lined the walls, so there was no possibility of climbing out without serious injury.

"What on earth…" began Crane, looking around in astonishment.

"This is one of Red's traps!" gasped Harley, horrified. "She told me she was doing this for Valentine's Day to all of the rose bushes in Gotham, so that any selfish human who tried to pick roses would be trapped forever in a bush of thorns until they starved to death!"

"Well...there's no need to panic just yet," said Crane. "It's just a plant, after all – what's the worst that can happen? And yes, I realize how naive that sounds when I think about what Ivy's done with plants before. Jervis, can you hear us?" he called.

"Only just!" Tetch called back, his voice very faint. "Are you all right?"

"We're trapped in this plant!" shouted Crane. "Can you get some hedge clippers or something?"

"Or call Red!" shouted Harley. "I'm sure she can command this thing to open up!"

"I'll call her," said Selina's voice. They waited a few seconds before Selina said, "Her phone's turned off. I imagine she has plans on Valentine's Day that mean she doesn't want to be disturbed."

"Can you claw through the plant, Selina?" called Harley.

"Those thorns look crazy sharp and thick – I think Ivy's fortified them with something," said Selina. "I'm not even sure tools will work in breaking through them, but I'll go steal some and try! Back in a second!"

"Try not to panic," said Tetch. "Plants secrete oxygen, after all, so you shouldn't suffocate, whatever happens."

"Yes, thank you, Jervis, that's…comforting," said Crane, slowly. "We'll just…wait here then."

"Oh, this is a disaster!" said Harley, burying her face in her hands as the hyenas nuzzled against her. "We've lost Mr. J, and now we're trapped in this dumb plant! Who knows when we'll get out, if we do at all? And if we do, I bet it'll be after Valentine's Day, so I'll miss my special day with puddin', and he'll be pissed that I just disappeared without telling him, so he'll probably kick me out and never speak to me again!"

She began loudly sobbing, and Crane went over to comfort her. "There, there," he said, putting an arm around her. "I'm sure they'll be able to cut us out. And if not, I'm sure they can find Ivy, who can get us out of here in no time. There's no need to give into despair just yet."

"You're right," said Harley, forcing a smile and wiping her eyes. "You're right, Johnny. I'm just being silly. I'm sorry, it's just been a rough day. I get so stressed wanting everything to be perfect for Valentine's Day. It just means a lot to me, y'know? The day we celebrate me and Mr. J as a couple, which is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I just want the day to be as special as he's always made me feel. It's nice to have that in your life, someone who makes you feel special."

"Yes, it is," agreed Crane. "Or I imagine it would be," he muttered under his breath.

The hyenas had curled up next to Harley, settling themselves down to wait on her lap, and one of them plopped himself in Crane's lap, since he had his arm around Harley. Crane glared at him, then glanced over at Harley.

"Still, I suppose there are worse places to be trapped," he commented. "And worse people to be trapped with."

"You got that right," agreed Harley. "At least the babies are here to comfort me," she said, petting them.

"Yes…the babies," agreed Crane.

"And you," continued Harley, leaning against his shoulder. "Thanks for being such a great friend as always, Johnny."

"My pleasure, my dear," he said, as she shut her eyes and cuddled against him. He sighed and adjusted his arm around her – while the situation wasn't ideal, being trapped in a thorny plant with no way out, it was nevertheless shaping up to be the best Valentine's Day he'd had in a long time.


	6. Chapter 6

"I have gardening tools at my hideout if we need them," said Tetch, as he followed Selina out of the park. "It might be easier than stealing them, since I can't think of any gardening centers in central Gotham, and the hideout's not far."

"You have heavy duty stuff?" asked Selina, sceptically. "Like electric hedge trimmers and chainsaws?"

"Yes," replied Tetch. "You're surprised by that?"

"Well, yeah - I don't really think of you as a tool guy," said Selina, shrugging.

"Why is that?" asked Tetch. "I have quite a green thumb – I used to help with the gardening all the time on my estate in England. I planted white roses that I then painted red. It doesn't work as well as you'd expect."

"I hope you didn't tell Ivy about that," said Selina. "And speaking of Ivy, I want to see if she's at her hideout first. It's also not far, and it'll be less effort than trying to chop through whatever she's fortified the plant with. It also might spare us her wrath when she finds out we've done that."

"Won't it be terribly awkward to just show up at her hideout if Miss Ivy is…in fligrante delicto, shall we say?" asked Tetch, slowly.

"Probably," agreed Selina, shrugging. "But it serves her right for interrupting my date with Batman the other year by launching that plant attack on Gotham."

"I thought she was your friend," said Tetch. "Shouldn't you forgive and forget something that happened two years ago?"

"Oh Jervis, you have no idea how any kind of relationships work," sighed Selina. "Backstabbing and petty vengeance is pretty much the norm among people."

"I see. Perhaps one reason why I was never able to quite get on with people," muttered Tetch.

"Where do you two think you're going?" demanded Chloe, who had climbed out of the car and was now leaning against it with her arms folded across her chest. "Because you're not going anywhere until you pay for my car."

"Honey, I admire your guts," said Selina. "But I'm not giving you my hard-earned loot. Your car's insured, right?"

"Not against acts committed by supervillains or superheroes!" snapped Chloe. "Nothing in this city is!"

"Well, I'm not technically a supervillain or a superhero," said Selina. "So that should be loophole enough for the insurance people, right? Just tell 'em it was Catwoman – they have to make an exception for me."

"_I_ don't," retorted Chloe. "And I know a lawyer who specializes in personal injury who will sue you both for the damage to the car, and for the glass which cut me. Look, I'm horribly injured," she said, holding up a scratched finger.

"Apparently not enough," retorted Catwoman. "Geez, I don't rate him highly, but I think even Johnny can do better than a catch like you."

"She's actually Edward Nygma's date," said Tetch. "But she insisted on tagging along with us when we stole her car."

"Oh, well, that explains it," said Selina. "She's much more suited to Eddie."

"She's using him in the hopes that when he dies, she'll receive his body," continued Tetch.

"Yeah, that does seem like the only kinda woman who could be interested in Eddie," sighed Selina. "Look, sweetheart, there's nothing wrong with using men for financial ends – I'm a material girl myself. But have a little class about it."

"That's easy for you to say – you're Catwoman," retorted Chloe. "Not all of us can be as glamorous as you."

"That's true," sighed Catwoman. "All right – come on," she said, popping back into the car. "I'll try and steal you something nice to make up for the damage."

"Can't we walk?" asked Tetch. "Or take public transport? The weather is glorious today, and I'm just not hugely comfortable remaining in a dangerous vehicle in the company of somebody who wants to collect supercriminals' bodies."

"Don't worry – yours isn't worth crap," retorted Chloe, as she climbed back into the backseat.

"Charming," sighed Tetch, as he climbed into the passenger's seat. "Why couldn't she have been trapped by the giant plant? We wouldn't have to rescue her," he muttered under his breath.

They arrived at Ivy's hideout to see a note taped to the door. Catwoman took it, and read it out loud:

_Dear Harley,_

_Sorry the clown's kicked you out again like the scumbag he is, particularly on Valentine's Day. I can't be there to hear all about it this year, as I'm in Brazil with Harvey, but I'm sure it would just be more of the same anyway. I know you'd never really leave him, unfortunately, so my presence really isn't necessary as you know what I'd say, and I know you'd just ignore it. Feel free to discreetly break into the apartment for some alone time and a crying session though. There's ice cream in the freezer, but I've put a lock on the alcohol cabinet for your own good after last year. If you haven't run back to that abusive monster by the time I've returned, there might be some hope for you, but I'm not holding my breath. _

_Lots of love,_

_Ivy_

"Great. Her phone's off, and she's out of the country," sighed Selina, looking up from the note. "I guess we're gonna have to try to cut open the plant then. Let's head to yours, Jervis," she said, crumpling up the note and throwing it over her shoulder. "It's not far, is it?"

"No, it's close enough to walk," said Tetch. "Which I'd very much like to do – I still haven't recovered from Jonathan almost tipping over the car. That's so unlike him."

"Well, wanting to please the people we care about makes us do strange things," sighed Selina. "People act like total idiots when they're in love. Well, look who I'm talking to, Mr. Brainwashed His Secretary," she added, nodding at Tetch.

"I didn't brainwash her – I temporarily controlled her mind," snapped Tetch. "Brainwashing would have been far more effective, but there's something sinister and underhanded about that. I wouldn't be party to anything so nefarious."

"Right. Because mind control isn't that," said Selina, sarcastically. "No wonder you people are all in Arkham."

"You people?" repeated Tetch. "You are a stone's throw away from Arkham, Miss Kyle, and don't pretend otherwise. In fact, some would argue that your closeness to Batman qualifies you more than the rest of us. You know who else is close to Batman? The Joker."

"Wow, I really hope you're not comparing my relationship with Batman to the Joker's relationship with Batman," replied Selina. "Because they are in no way similar."

"You both adore him and want to spend all your time with him," pointed out Tetch.

"Not anymore," retorted Selina. "I told you, we broke up. He's now my greatest enemy."

"Which I'm sure is how the Joker would describe him," retorted Tetch.

"I don't want to spend any time with him anymore," continued Catwoman. "I'll be happy if I never see him again."

"I think you're gonna be disappointed," voiced Chloe, as they reached the door of the apartment complex. She pointed outside to her car, where Batman stood, looming over it and clearly identifying it as the vehicle that had escaped him earlier.

"Great, we'd better slip out the back," sighed Selina. "C'mon."

"What's he gonna do to my car?" demanded Chloe. "If he's impounding it, he's paying to get it out."

"Yeah, good luck suing Batman," retorted Selina.

"If it were possible, we all would have done it a thousand times by now," agreed Tetch. "I, for one, would launch a billion dollar lawsuit as compensation for his numerous assaults on my person. It's no less than he deserves."

"I need the bathroom," announced Chloe, the moment they were outside the apartment complex.

"Why didn't you say so sooner?" demanded Selina. "We could have broken into Ivy's and used hers!"

"I didn't need it sooner," retorted Chloe.

"Well, we don't have time for bathroom breaks now – we're trying to avoid detection by the World's Greatest Detective, who is sure to have followed us into that apartment complex," snapped Selina. "Can't you just go in the alley?"

"That's disgusting," said Chloe, wrinkling her nose. "Anyway, there's a gas station just across the street there. You guys can duck in there to avoid Batman – I won't be a second."

"We really should just abandon her here," said Selina, as she and Tetch perused the gas station store while Chloe headed back to the toilet. "I mean, we really don't have time for this."

"You two got a hot date planned, or what?" chuckled a familiar voice. "Now there's a joke so sick not even I could come up with it!"

They both turned to see the Joker standing by the counter, a huge grin on his face. "I never thought I'd see Hatty and Catty together on Valentine's Day!" he giggled. "How's that for an unlikely ship? You could call you guys Hatwoman!"

"What are you doing here, J?" demanded Selina.

"Getting gas," retorted Joker, nodding at the Jokermobile hooked up to the gas pump outside. "What else would I be doing at a gas station? These things aren't worth knocking off these days - nobody pays cash anymore. The more pressing question is what are you doing here?"

"We're just on our way to Jervis's," said Selina. "To pick up some gardening tools."

"Right, gardening tools," said Joker, winking at her. "That's a pretty crummy euphemism, I gotta say, and one I'd associate more with your plant pal. It's ok, sweetheart, there's nothing to be ashamed of. You're doing some slumming since you and Bats broke up – you're going for the polar opposite of him, and scraping the bottom of the barrel there. It's the weirdest rebound I've ever seen, but as long as you're happy, I'm happy for you."

"We're not a couple, you sick freak!" snapped Selina. "I am spending Valentine's Day alone, ripping off some rich snobs! But I ran into Jervis and Jonathan and Harley…"

"You ran into Harley?" interrupted Joker. "Where is she? Actually, never mind, I don't want to know," he said, shaking his head. "It'll ruin the surprise she's set up. If you see her again, tell her I got the message about Dini Towers though – that's where I'm heading now. I'm sure I'll receive further instructions once I get there, right?"

"I don't know what the hell she's got planned," retorted Selina. "But it's odd that whatever it is has kept her away from you – normally she's on you like glue."

"Tell me about it," sighed Joker. "Nice to be able to breathe for once. Can I get some Skittles along with the gas, pal?" he asked, turning to the attendant behind the counter. "And a couple packets of cigarettes?"

"Yes sir, Mr. Joker, sir," said the man, reaching behind the counter.

"I skipped breakfast, y'see," explained Joker. "Woke up and got a shower while Harley was starting breakfast, but then she got distracted when I stepped out of the shower, and she saw a piece of meat she'd rather eat, if you get what I'm saying…"

"You are not subtle, and that's not an image I wanted," interrupted Catwoman.

"I know, pussy, that's why I said it!" chuckled Joker, as the attendant handed him a packet of Skittles and some cigarettes. Joker handed him a few bills, saying, "Keep the change, pal. At least for now - give it to a charity or something so I'll get it back eventually when I rob one of Bruce Wayne's charity galas. Well, I'll leave you losers to it," he said, turning to go. "Harley's got a special Valentine's Day surprise planned for me which I'm sure will involve lots of sex. I wish I could say the same for you, but I really don't rate the Hat guy's stamina. But then maybe he'll surprise you."

"We're really not a couple…" repeated Tetch.

"Yeah, I'm really interested to hear about Harley's surprise, actually," interrupted Selina. "Because we left her in a cozy situation with Scarecrow. And you know how he's always felt about her – it seems odd that her plans involve spending the day in an intimate setting with him rather than you."

Joker's smile never wavered, but there was a strange spark in his eyes as he replied, "Even if I believe that, which I don't, I'm sure this is all something she's planned for me. You know Harley – she's obsessed with me, and she's obsessed with Valentine's Day. She'd never want to spend it with anyone else."

"Well, I hope you're right," said Selina. "I mean, maybe that's her surprise – that you're dumped. Wouldn't that be a great joke to play on you for Valentine's Day after the way you've treated her all these years?"

"Oh pussy pie, you just have no idea about good jokes, do you?" he chuckled. "But then what am I saying – you're with the hat freak today, so clearly you do!" he laughed, heading for the door.

"Selina, what on earth are you doing, stirring things like that?" snapped Tetch. "Why would you want to make him jealous?"

"Because the smug bastard deserves it for the things he said about you and me," muttered Selina. "And for the way he always treats Harley."

"And you think he'll treat her better if you get him jealous?" demanded Tetch.

"No, but it's funny to see that smile forced onto his stupid face for once," retorted Selina, as Chloe emerged from the bathroom. "C'mon, let's beat it."

"Happy Valentine's, losers!" called Joker from his car. He noticed Chloe leaving with them, and waved at Selina. "I stand corrected, kitty pie – I see now that it's not Tetchy you're interested in, but just someone else to make it an odd number! A threesome totally sounds like your idea of romance! You go, girl! And Tetchy, I never thought you'd have sex with any woman, let alone two at once! High five for living the dream, buddy!"

"Seriously, how do you expect me to resist riling him up?" demanded Selina, as the Jokermobile screeched off into the street.

"I know it's hard," sighed Tetch. "But really, you're not doing Harley any favors. I mean, I hope we'll be able to get her out of that plant soon, but who knows how the Joker will react if she really does stand him up today?"

"She won't," said Selina, confidently. "Trust me."

Tetch sighed. "On your head be it," he muttered. "I only hope you don't lose it."


	7. Chapter 7

The Joker strode into Dini Towers, munching on the Skittles he had bought. "Hey, pal," he said to the server. "I think you've got a reservation for me."

"And your name is?" asked the server, not looking up.

"I don't know my real name – folks just call me the Joker and it's stuck," retorted Joker.

"Your name is Joker?" asked the man, scanning the list. "Do you know what name the reservation is under?"

"I would assume Joker," retorted Joker. "Or maybe Quinn, or Quinzel. The phone call was requested by Quinzel, so probably that."

"We do have a reservation for Quinzel, but not until 7.30 PM," said the server. "You're several hours early."

"I know," said Joker. "Because I was told not to be late, if you know what I mean."

"I think it means that you should arrive in a timely manner, not several hours early," retorted the man.

"No, look, the reservation for Quinzel," continued Joker. "I received a phone call telling me not to be late, if you get my drift."

"You think there's some hidden meaning in that message, do you?" asked the server, still not looking up at him.

"Yeah, it makes sense if you know my girlfriend," said Joker. "She's set up some kinda Valentine's Day surprise, and she's left me clues to follow, like a scavenger hunt. The first clue was this phone call from here telling me not to be late, which means to head here and get the second clue."

"I'm aware of no such clue," retorted the man.

"Well, maybe your manager is – can I speak to him?" asked Joker.

The man sighed. "Fine," he said, turning to go fetch his superior. He still hadn't seen who the customer was.

"Just tell him to come back later!" hissed the manager, when he returned with the server. "What's the worst that could happ…"

He trailed off when he saw who the customer was. "Mr. Joker, sir, please come in and sit down!" he exclaimed, forcing a smile onto his horrified face. "Let's get you some champagne!"

"Thanks, I appreciate some customer service at last," said Joker, as the manager ushered him over to a table.

"Where is the charming Miss Quinn on this fine Valentine's Day?" asked the manager, as the server rushed off to fetch champagne and glasses.

"Good, you're familiar with Harley," said Joker, as he took a seat. "She left some instructions for you, right? About me being here?"

"Yes, she…said she'd like our finest table for two, and the Eternal Romance package," said the manager. "Unfortunately the musicians aren't going to be here until tonight, but we can certainly provide you with the champagne and decorate with the roses right now."

"So she just wants me to wait here, and the next clue in the scavenger hunt will come to me?" asked Joker.

"Um...yes, very possibly," agreed the manager. "I'm sure Miss Quinn has several delightful surprises planned for today – a scavenger hunt certainly sounds romantic. But sadly she didn't inform me of that part of her plan. However, I'm sure she's made the necessary arrangements for the next bearer of the scavenger hunt clue to meet you, as organized as she is. She booked this table a month in advance, so I'm sure she had plenty of time to carefully plan an ideal surprise."

"Yeah, I'll keep my eye out," agreed Joker, as the server brought him a bottle of champagne. "Hope she doesn't keep me waiting too long though – I don't wanna look like some loser who can't get a date sitting here in a fancy restaurant alone on Valentine's Day. I mean, how pathetic would that be?" he chuckled, lighting a cigarette as the server handed him a glass of champagne. "Some sucker being stood up on Valentine's Day – I can't imagine anything more embarrassing!"

…

"PLANTY. CAN. YOU. HEAR ME?" shouted Harley, slowly and loudly enunciating each word as she bent over one of the roses and spoke into the flower. "IT'S. IVY'S. FRIEND. HARLEY. CAN. YOU. OPEN. UP. AND. LET. US. OUT?"

"I don't think that's going to work, Harley," voiced Crane. "I don't think plants can understand English."

"Yeah, I dunno how Red communicates with 'em," sighed Harley, glumly settling back down with the hyenas. "I just thought it was worth a shot. If my babies can understand basic instructions like 'come' and 'sit,' then I was hoping Red's babies also had a basic grasp of English."

"Yes," said Crane, not completely convinced that the hyenas knew the meanings of those words either – he'd seen no evidence of it so far today. "The logic is sound, but sadly the results are not encouraging. We'll just have to hope that Jervis and Selina were successful in their endeavor."

"We're back!" shouted Selina's voice from outside the plant. "Ivy's gone to Brazil, so she's no help, but we've got some electric hedge clippers! Make sure you guys stand to one side!"

"Oh God, I hope Red doesn't find out about this!" gasped Harley, holding the hyenas tightly as she and Crane moved to the far side of the plant.

There was a buzzing sound from outside, followed by an abrupt clang. "Ok, well, that didn't work," said Selina. "The thorns actually broke the metal on this thing…let's try the chainsaw!"

They heard another buzzing from outside, abruptly cut off by a familiar voice saying, "Put down the chainsaw, Selina."

"Stay outta this, Bats, it has nothing to do with you!" snapped Selina. "Last I checked, gardening wasn't a crime for anyone but Ivy!"

"No, but you're associating with some people I need to arrest for reckless endangerment," retorted Batman.

"For the record, I wasn't driving the car," said Tetch. "In fact, I'm a victim of reckless endangerment which was caused by you chasing us."

"Yeah, and you owe me for any damages my car's sustained, since without you chasing us, none of this would have happened!" shouted Chloe.

"I am trying to apprehend some dangerous animals and their owner!" snapped Batman. "Plus whoever was driving that car and crashed mine!"

"Well, they're all in the plant," retorted Selina. "And good luck getting them out. You can try the chainsaw if you want, but knowing Ivy, that plant is stronger than steel. We might just have to leave them there until she gets back from Brazil."

"No, no, no, you can't do that!" shouted Harley. "I can't miss Valentine's Day with Mr. J! He'll never forgive me!"

"Yes, but that's really not the biggest concern for me right now!" exclaimed Crane. "It's more how we're supposed to cope without hygiene and toilet facilities inside a plant over a matter of days! Particularly when the hyenas have shown no such concern for hygiene or toilet facilities thus far!"

Batman sighed heavily. "An easy solution to my problems would be to leave you in there," he said. "At least you're locked up. But it does seem a little inhumane – we'll need to cut through this with something heavier than a chainsaw."

"A Bat-chainsaw?" suggested Selina, sarcastically.

"No, but I'm sure I have something in the Batcave that'll work," said Batman. "I'll be right back."

"Can somebody go with him?" suggested Crane. "So I know he's not just going to abandon us in here? Jervis?"

"You must be joking," retorted Tetch.

"I'll go," voiced Chloe. "Batman's body would be worth more than any supervillain if he died suddenly. And if I was with him when he died, it would definitely go to me."

"Who are you, and what are you talking about?" asked Batman, clearly uncomfortable.

"No, I'll go with him," sighed Selina. "Although he's the last person I want to spend Valentine's Day with, for the record."

"That's not what you said last year," retorted Batman.

"Well, that was last year," said Selina. "I'm free and single now, and there are lots of better men out there for me than you."

"Yeah, while you two are arguing on Valentine's Day, I'm missing Valentine's Day with Mr. J, so get going!" shouted Harley. "Chop chop! The sooner you're gone, the sooner you're back here getting us out! I'm so sorry about the babies, Johnny," she continued, turning to Crane. "They do tend to make messes."

"It's not your fault," said Crane. "That's what wild animals do – it's just nature."

"Yeah, but nature is gross and disgusting a lotta the time," sighed Harley. "That's why I live in a city – to get away from nature."

"Well, quite," agreed Crane. "Being stuck in a plant has brought me closer to nature, and has not improved my opinion of it."

"This is probably your worst Valentine's Day ever, huh?" asked Harley.

"Oh, good Lord, no," said Crane. "Even trapped in a plant with hyena waste, it's not even scraping my bottom ten..."


	8. Chapter 8

The Joker had waited about twenty minutes when he recognized two customers entering Dini Towers. "Ah, now here's some familiar faces!" he exclaimed. "It's about time!"

"Joker? What are you doing here?" asked Killer Croc, as he came over to the table with his date on his arm - literally. Baby Doll sat perched on his bicep.

"Oh, I think you know, Crocky old boy," retorted Joker.

"Uh…no, I don't," said Croc, slowly. "Baby and I are here to get a Valentine's Day brunch, but that would be a weird thing for you to be getting alone. But then again, you are kinda weird, so maybe it isn't."

"If I were in a relationship with a virtual child, I wouldn't be calling other people weird, Croc," retorted Joker.

"I'm not a child!" snapped Baby Doll.

"Oh yeah? Where do you get your clothes? Baby Gap," said Joker. Then he laughed. "Get it? Baby Doll and Baby Gap…"

"Yeah, it's really not funny or true," interrupted Baby Doll. "But why were you acting like you were expecting us?"

"Well, I'm expecting someone," retorted Joker. "Harley's done a scavenger hunt for Valentine's Day, and somebody's meant to meet me here with the next clue. I thought she might have brought you guys in on it."

"Well gee, I don't think she did," said Croc, scratching his head

"You don't _think _she did," repeated Joker. "Can't you remember?"

"Well, I guess she coulda told me something that I forgot," said Croc, shrugging. "But if I forgot it, I wouldn't know I forgot it, would I?"

"No, never mind, Harley knows better than to trust you with important messages," sighed Joker. "There must be someone else coming. Unless she spoke to you, Baby?"

"I haven't seen Harley in months," said Baby Doll.

"No, remember, Baby, we saw her the other week," said Croc.

"I didn't," repeated Baby Doll. "Did you see her without me?"

"Yeah, she was breaking the hyenas out of the zoo," said Croc. "And I was there breaking out some crocodiles. I just hate to see 'em caged up…"

"You two did a caper together?" asked Baby Doll, her eyes flashing jealousy.

"No, not together – we were just there at the same time," said Croc. "But I can't remember her saying anything about a scavenger hunt, but that's not to say she didn't…"

"Maybe she didn't say anything – maybe you two just bonded over your love of animals!" snapped Baby Doll. "And maybe that led to a little animal attraction of your own!"

"Wow, I think I have to fight you for Harley's honor if you're implying that she had anything romantically to do with Croc," said Joker. "Because that's an incredible insult to her."

"No, it isn't!" shrieked Baby Doll. "Crocky's the best, and jealous women are always trying to steal him from me!"

"Blind women maybe!" snapped Joker. "Which Harley ain't!"

"Hey, I'm right here!" snapped Croc.

"Precious treats me with respect and dignity, two things I know you don't give to Harley!" continued Baby Doll. "Why wouldn't she want an upgrade in the boyfriend department?"

"Ok, I really am fighting you for that," said Joker, standing up. "Because you're personally insulting me by calling Croc a better boyfriend than me!"

"Pick on someone your own size, Joker," warned Croc, towering above him. "Now let's all just calm down before someone gets hurt – Baby and I are trying to have a nice, romantic brunch, and we can't do that if I'm going to have to beat your head into the wall."

"I'd really like to see you try," said Joker, facing up to him.

"What's going on here?" asked the manager, hurrying over. "Nothing untoward, I hope? Mr. Waylon Jones and Miss Mary Dahl, I presume? Your table is ready – it's at the opposite end of the restaurant. Please do follow me," he said, ushering them away.

"Crazy, I tell ya," muttered Joker to himself, sitting back down "As if they're in any position to criticize my relationship with Harley. And how anybody could be paranoid about other women stealing that thing, I'll never know."

He sipped his champagne. "Of course Pammie does often say that about me, that Harley should never be jealous because nobody else would ever want me, but she's an idiot too. I'm a total catch, and all the chicks love me. Except Pammie, but she's into plants, so what does she know?"

He lit another cigarette. "I guess I'll trust Croc when he says he doesn't know anything about the scavenger hunt though – he's too dumb to lie. Which means I should be expecting someone else. Whoever they are, they better not keep me waiting too long," he added, glancing at his watch. "I have pretty much every other virtue, but I am not a patient man."

…

"What exactly are we getting here?" asked Selina, as Batman jumped out of the Batmobile and began looking around the Batcave. It was the first time they had spoken since leaving the park.

"I'm going to make up a bomb," said Batman, heading over to his chemistry set. "Out of explosives and weed killer. Hopefully detonating that will take the plant out."

"What if the explosion hurts Harley or Scarecrow?" asked Selina.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," retorted Batman. "But if the shell's so thick that a chainsaw won't cut through it, I don't think the explosion will reach them - hopefully it'll just blow a hole in the shell."

"I just don't want to see Harley hurt," said Selina. "She's my friend. And if she gets seriously injured by an explosion, her useless boyfriend will probably rather dump her than take care of her, and that'll hurt her more than the explosion will."

"Maybe she needs to find a better boyfriend then," retorted Batman. "It's her own fault she stays with that monster – she's been given several opportunities to leave the clown, and she's been shown time and again that he doesn't care about her. So I have very little sympathy for her at this point. Sometimes you have to stop caring and just let people live with the mistakes they make - it's her decision, so she can handle the consequences. She chooses to stay with him, so she brings pain on herself."

"It's my understanding that she enjoys a little pain," said Selina. "But it's still hard to watch as her friend. You can't always respect a friend's choices if they're terrible. And she never respected my choice to date you."

"She probably respects you dumping me, though," muttered Batman.

"Actually no," said Selina. "She's always sad when love affairs end, even if she doesn't like the people involved in them – I think in her eyes everyone should live happily ever after, like she thinks she and Joker will."

"Crazy," muttered Batman.

"No arguments here," agreed Selina. "I stopped believing in happily ever afters a long time ago."

"Me too," agreed Batman. "Real life doesn't work out like that. Real life is messy and painful and complicated, and there are no happy endings. Only bitter ones."

"I'm not bitter about us," said Selina. "Are you?"

Batman shrugged. "I think…we were good for each other. I'm just disappointed I have to lose your influence from my life. You taught me…I don't always have to be so serious."

"Joker's been trying to teach you that for years," retorted Selina.

"Well, it only got through with you," replied Batman. "I was…happy when we were together. I hadn't been happy in a long time, and I don't know when I will be again. I miss that. I miss you."

"Well, it never coulda worked out, you know that," said Selina. "I mean, a thief and a hero? We'd always fundamentally disagree about the law, about life…"

"You can disagree with someone and still respect them," interrupted Batman. "You can disagree with someone and still love them. Maybe I am too…uptight and rigid. I mean, I break the law. I take it into my own hands every night. I don't steal, but I've never needed to. Maybe if I had lived the life you had, I'd be more sympathetic to what you do. But I think…ultimately you're one of the good guys. And so am I. So it's not an insurmountable difference."

"Bats, I'm very flattered that you're saying all these nice things to me on Valentine's Day," said Selina. "It's rare for you to say more than a few words at any time, so I'm doubly flattered. But it's not what you say that matters…"

"I know," interrupted Batman. "That's why I never talk. I know how useless talking is. I'm a man of action, and that's what matters. That's the only thing that matters."

He lit a fire and began mixing some chemicals together as Selina watched. "So you're saying you still love me?" she asked, quietly.

"Of course I do," he replied, keeping his eyes glued to the chemicals.

"So show me," she said. "Be a man of action. Because that's the kinda man I love. A man who acts to put me first, before Gotham, before anyone. If you can do that…you'll be my hero."

"I can't promise to put you before Gotham if she's in danger," murmured Batman, turning to face her.

"Maybe not," agreed Selina. "But can you put me before Scarecrow and Harley?"

Batman grinned, a rare sight that sent Selina's heart racing despite herself. Then he seized her in his arms, kissing her passionately. Selina responded instantly, sliding her arms around his neck and pulling herself tighter against him.

"You better turn down that fire," she murmured, grinning at him.

"No, I'm just getting started," murmured Batman, reaching for the zipper on her suit.

"I meant the chemical burner over there," she said, nodding at the table. "Don't wanna have fires burning around explosive chemicals if you're gonna be otherwise occupied."

"Oh yeah…sorry," said Batman, hurrying over to turn off the burner. "I thought it was an innuendo…I'm still working on that being less serious thing and trying to embrace euphemisms, but I need more practice at figuring them out."

"You can embrace me instead," purred Selina, as he rushed back over to her and took her in his arms again. "We'll work on the sense of humor later. Baby steps, Bats. Baby steps."


	9. Chapter 9

"It's kinda odd you suggested a work lunch for Valentine's Day, Vale," commented Jack Ryder. "I would have assumed you had a hot date."

"Well, you accepted, so you clearly don't have a hot date either," retorted Vicki Vale. "And you always seem to somehow stumble onto great stories, so hanging out with you isn't the worst idea I've ever had. With any luck, some of your serendipity will rub off on me if I'm around you, and I could really use a scoop today."

"It's called having a nose for news, and it's a skill that's essential to being a great reporter," said Ryder, smugly. "I'm not surprised that you don't have it."

"Just for that, you're paying for this work lunch," retorted Vicki, as they strode into Dini Towers together.

"May I help you?" asked the server, who had resumed not looking at customers.

"Vicki Vale and Jack Ryder, table for two for lunch," said Vicki.

"Of course, Miss Vale – our finest table is waiting," said the server. "Please follow me."

"Boy, it's packed in here today," commented Ryder, looking around. "I guess that makes sense on Valentine's Day – dinner reservations are hard to come by, so everyone does lunch instead."

"Yeah, the downside is that by being out at this work lunch, I have to suffer looking at all the happy couples today," agreed Vicki, as they sat down and the server handed them two menus.

"You got that right," agreed Ryder. "Literally everyone is paired up…"

He trailed off as his eye fell on the lone single diner in the place. "Is that…the Joker?" he stammered.

"Where?" demanded Vicki, her eyes desperately searching for a scoop.

"Over there," said Ryder, pointing. "Sitting on his own."

"The Joker on his own on Valentine's Day?!" exclaimed Vicki, in a high-pitched, excited tone. "Oh God, Ryder, I knew forcing myself to hang out with you would pay off! C'mon!" she said, leaping to her feet and hurrying over to the table where the Joker sat, pouring himself another glass of champagne as he got increasingly more annoyed at his wait.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Joker – happy Valentine's Day," said Vicki.

"Miss Vale, what a pleasure," he said, smiling up at her through gritted teeth. "And…Jack Ryder. Wow, what a coincidence that the two biggest reporters and gossips in Gotham City would show up here."

"Yeah, crazy coincidence," agreed Ryder, nodding.

"Is it?" asked Joker, fixing his eyes on him. "Or isn't it? It couldn't be you, could it? Or maybe your alter ego?"

"Couldn't be…what?" asked Ryder, slowly.

"Have you seen Harley recently?" asked Joker.

"No," said Ryder, hastily. "No, no, no, I assure you, I haven't, and nor has anyone associated with me."

"You sound a little too eager to confirm that," said Joker, quietly. "I can't imagine Harley asking for help from a man who sexually harasses her, but maybe she was desperate."

"You sexually harassed Harley Quinn?" asked Vicki, turning to Ryder in surprise, the joy and excitement evident in her voice at this potential bombshell and ruination of a rival's career.

"No, I didn't," retorted Ryder. "I categorically deny that, and there's absolutely no evidence for it."

"Don't need evidence anymore for that kinda allegation, Jack," retorted Joker, downing his glass of champagne. "But hey, I ain't out to end your career today as long as you do a favor for me. Just give me the damn clue already."

"What clue?" asked Ryder.

"The clue for the scavenger hunt Harley's set up for me," snapped Joker.

"I don't know anything about a scavenger hunt," said Ryder. "I haven't seen Harley since last Valentine's Day when you and she came over to my place and made me retract my story about you having an affair under pain of death."

"We made you retract it because it wasn't true!" snapped Joker. "You people are still supposed to be impartial seekers of the truth, you know! But I guess that's asking too much from journalists these days!"

"Mr. Joker, can you tell me more about this alleged sexual harassment on Ryder's part?" asked Vicki. "That certainly sounds like something the public needs to know about, for its own good."

"No, it doesn't!" snapped Ryder. "And I won't let you smear me with false allegations! Come on, Vale…"

"You ain't going anywhere until you give me that clue!" snapped Joker, grabbing him. "You think I don't mean what I say? I'll expose your little secret to this fine, upstanding reporter right now, so just play ball, Ryder!"

"I'm telling you the truth – I don't know what clue you're talking about!" shouted Ryder.

"Fine – then here goes. Jack Ryder is actually the Creeper," said Joker, turning to Vicki. "Which is an unhinged personality that takes over him sometimes, and when it does, he can't keep his hands off my dame, even though she's made her disgust of him very clear! I bet you, like everyone else, thinks that Harley deserves someone better than me, someone who's clearly nuts about her and wants to be all over her all the time, someone like you, huh?" he demanded, rounding on Ryder. "Well, too bad, pal, because she's mine!"

"Where is she today then?" demanded Ryder. "Shouldn't she be here with you on Valentine's Day if she's so happy and in love with you? I think this whole scavenger hunt thing is some big prank she's set up to make you appear foolish, and it's definitely working! Harley's a lot smarter than you give her credit for, and she's finally figured out how poisonous you are to her! I bet she's run off somewhere with a new lover, and they're laughing at the great practical joke they played on you, leaving the Joker to be pathetically stood up in public on Valentine's Day! That's a great gag if I ever heard one!"

"Well, you ain't ever heard one, because you ain't got a sense of humor!" shouted Joker. "Not you or your little sexual predator personality! Haven't you learned anything from your unwanted advances on my doll?! She ain't interested in any other guys but me!"

"Just because she's not interested in the Creeper doesn't mean she's not interested in any other guys," retorted Ryder. "How egotistical must you be to think you're the only person your girlfriend could ever find sexually attractive?"

"It's not ego – I know Harley!" shouted Joker. "She loves me, and she's not interested in anyone who's not me! She's told me that a million times!"

"First rule of journalism, Joker – don't trust anyone because everyone lies!" snapped Ryder. "People lie all the time so they can twist the truth to their own advantage! You of all people should know that!"

"I know journalists sure lie all the time!" snapped Joker. "You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you in the ass, Ryder – you're fake news! Put the phone away, Vale!" he shouted, rounding on Vicki, who had been filming the whole thing, and shoving his hand over the screen. "You people are always so obsessed with the next news story - you need to stop and smell the flowers once in a while!" he shouted, spraying his acid flower at both of them. Fortunately for them, he had been drinking champagne since before noon, and his aim was affected by the alcohol. The acid landed wide of the mark, and Ryder and Vicki raced out of the restaurant before his aim could improve.

"You're not really going to publish that allegation against me, are you, Vale?" demanded Ryder, when they were safely outside.

"Well, c'mon, Ryder, it's quite the scoop, isn't it?" asked Vicki. "You can't just expect me to sit on a bombshell like that, can you? You certainly wouldn't if it was a negative allegation against me."

Ryder sighed. "What do I have to do for you in order to keep this under wraps?"

"Well, now you're talking my language," said Vicki, beaming. "Probably quite a few things – quite a few of your stories you're going to give me credit for over the next few years, for instance. This Joker being stood up on Valentine's Day story, for one, and several hundred others, until I think we're square. That's a fair deal, don't you think?"

"Yeah, fair," sighed Ryder, resignedly.

Vicki smiled, and linked arms with him. "Ryder, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."


	10. Chapter 10

"So…does this mean we're back together again?" asked Batman, as Selina lay cuddled against his chest.

"Yeah, I guess I can give you another chance," she said, yawning. "You just have to promise me to make more of an effort. Think of me like you think of Gotham – something that needs your undivided attention and commitment."

"I'm always going to be torn between the people in my life, and the people of this city," said Batman. "I made a vow, and I won't break it. I wish you could accept that about me, Selina."

"I can," she retorted. "If you treat us as equally important. Obviously there are gonna be times when the city's in immediate danger, but when it's not, you need to make me a priority. I know it's hard, Bruce. I know you're afraid of getting too close to people after what happened to your parents – you're afraid of letting them in, afraid of the pain you'll feel if you lose them from your life. But I know you're brave enough for love, Bruce. You just need to show me."

"I thought I had, several times," retorted Batman, kissing her forehead gently.

"Not just on Valentine's Day," she retorted. "I need you to be this caring on days when you're not socially obligated to be."

"I'll try, Selina," said Batman. "Really, I want to be…the man you deserve. I'll try and live up to that ideal."

"Well, handsome and rich is pretty much my ideal, so you're almost there," said Selina, grinning. She yawned and stretched again. "Geez, what time is it?" she asked, looking around for a clock. The couple had moved from the Batcave to Bruce's bedroom - it was fairly impossible to keep a romantic mood alive when the eyes of several thousand bats stared down at you from the ceiling. Not to mention the mess they made, which also effectively killed the mood.

"I don't know, but I'm hungry," said Batman. "Let me call Alfred to bring us something to eat."

"You rang, sir?" asked Alfred, entering the room a few minutes later. "Oh, good day, Miss Kyle, and happy Valentine's," he added, when he noticed Selina. "I can see you and Master Bruce are making the most of it."

"Yeah, could you possibly make us some sandwiches, Alfred?" asked Batman. "We're gonna get a shower."

"Very good, sir," said Alfred, turning to go. "Oh, and you messaged me earlier to ask for some weed killer? It's under the kitchen sink – should I bring that up with the sandwiches? Obviously clearly labeled so you don't accidentally ingest it."

Batman stared at him, and then shared a look with Selina. "Oh my God, I completely forgot about Harley and Scarecrow," he murmured.

"So did I," gasped Selina. "Jesus, it's been hours – they're gonna be so mad!"

"You get a shower – I'll go finish making that bomb," said Batman, grabbing a robe and racing out of the room.

"Bomb, sir?" asked Alfred, as he rushed past.

"It's a long story, Alfred," said Selina. "Harley and Scarecrow are accidentally trapped in one of Ivy's plants, and Bruce is going to see if a weed killer bomb will blow it open."

"I see, miss," said Alfred, completely unperturbed since nothing about that sounded strange to him. "Well, you and Master Bruce really had better things to do on Valentine's Day than rescue some supercriminals from an undoubtedly self-inflicted trap."

"Yeah, but I feel kinda bad," said Selina, looking around for her clothes. "That's no way to treat a friend, leaving them trapped in a plant while you go and spend a romantic Valentine's Day with the hero of Gotham."

"Would either of them have put you first on Valentine's Day over an encounter with their paramours?" asked Alfred. "I think one should treat others as one would like to be treated in return, and therefore I wouldn't feel bad for people who would act exactly the same way in the same situation."

"I know Harley would always put Joker first, but Scarecrow doesn't have a paramour," retorted Selina. "But frankly, he's probably happy being trapped anywhere with Harley."

"I'm just happy to see you and Master Bruce back together, miss – I think you're a good influence," said Alfred. "And Master Bruce's happiness is more important to me than any situation any supercriminal finds themselves in. I hope I can say the same about you."

"Well, yeah," agreed Selina. "And he's promised to do better, Alfred."

"Master Bruce is a man of his word," said Alfred, nodding. "I think you can depend on him, miss."

"Well, if you can't depend on Batman, then who can you depend on?" asked Selina with a grin.

"Quite right, miss," said Alfred, smiling as he left her to get dressed. "Quite right."

…

"I don't think we should give him anymore champagne," said the server, as he and the manager of Dini Towers watched the Joker from the kitchen.

"Are you going to tell him no?" demanded the manager. "Because it's more than my life's worth to refuse the Joker. Besides, he's entitled to unlimited champagne as part of the Eternal Romance package."

"But he's clearly an angry drunk," said the server. "He tried to melt those two reporters' faces off with acid. What if he attacks other customers?"

"If we keep giving him champagne, he might eventually pass out, which would be safest for everyone," said the manager. "So do that."

"You're the boss," said the server, shrugging and reaching for another bottle.

"Oh, the orchestra's here," said the manager, as the musicians began setting up on the floor of the restaurant. "Good, maybe that'll distract him for a little while."

"Here you are, Mr. Joker, sir," said the server, bringing the bottle over to see the Joker ripping up the roses which were scattered around the table. "Are the roses not to your liking?" he asked.

"I just like ripping 'em apart because Pammie feels their pain when I do," said Joker, crushing the flower in his hand and then slowly picking off and peeling apart its petals. "It's always fun to hurt her. I bet she's to blame for this – I bet she got to Harley and gave her some spiel about how standing me up on Valentine's Day is the most empowering thing a woman can do, and wouldn't let her leave until she agreed not to see me. Harley's stupid enough to do anything for the people she cares about, and unfortunately, she cares about a lot of people. I've told her repeatedly that friendship is a huge waste of time – she should be dedicated to me and me alone, not anyone else. I mean, why would she need friends when she's got me? I'm the best friend anyone could have – ask Batman. I'm loyal and dependable and always there to put a smile on his face. What more could anyone ask for in a friend? But he doesn't appreciate me either," he muttered, seizing the champagne glass and knocking it back. "He's stood me up more times than I can count, putting me second to some emergency his little Justice League pals have dragged him out on. As if anything could be more important than one of my schemes! He's a bad friend, Bats, a terrible friend. I don't know why I bother with him sometimes – I should take my own advice and ditch him! That'd show him, and he might learn to appreciate me more, which would be nice. He's always taking me for granted, like the ungrateful rodent he is!"

He grabbed the bottle, pouring more champagne haphazardly into his glass. "I'm happy to pour that…" began the server.

"I don't need you to pour it!" snapped Joker, as the glass overflowed and he put the bottle down. "I don't need anybody to do anything for me! I'm perfectly capable of doing things for myself – having other people around me is just a waste of time! People are useless – punchlines to jokes and nothing more. This is what I get for putting some people on a pedestal, for caring about some people more than others! Everyone is disposable, and nobody is special! Or trustworthy! 'Oh puddin', I got a great plan for Valentine's Day!'" he squeaked, mimicking Harley's voice. "Yeah, sure you do, you lying brat!" he snapped. 'I'll always be there to stop you, Joker,' he growled, in a mock imitation of Batman's voice. "'I am vengeance, I am the night, I am unreliable!' And you're a liar too, you lying Bat!" he snapped. "Everyone in my life is so disappointing – it's a wonder I'm as cheerful as I am all the time," he muttered, sipping from the glass. "You think it's easy constantly having a smile on your face in this miserable world? No, it ain't! And then the people I trust to keep a smile on my face stab me in the back, so what am I supposed to be happy about now?! You tell me! What are you happy about?" he demanded of the server.

"Um…the band's here," said the server, nodding at the musicians who had finished setting up. "So that's something to be happy about."

"Really? That's your big reason for continuing on your tedious path of existence?" demanded Joker. "The band's here?!"

"I think music can be very uplifting," said the server, shrugging. "Gotta find joy in the little things when you work for minimum wage at a restaurant whose customers spend more on one meal than you make in a year."

"Well, that's true," agreed Joker, nodding. "All right, let's listen to these guys," he said, turning to face them. "Maybe they'll perk me up."

"Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!" said the conductor. "This first song goes out to all you loving couples out there – everyone please stand up and join us in a dance while we play a waltz for lovers!"

"Or maybe not," muttered the server under his breath, seeing Joker's smile darken in rage as he again reached for the flower on his lapel…


	11. Chapter 11

"…and then she told me nobody would ever love me in front of the whole school, who all pointed and laughed at me," finished Crane. "And considering I've just recounted all of them to you, in hindsight, that was probably the worst Valentine's Day I ever had."

"Poor Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, who had been listening intently as she lounged on top of the hyenas. "She sounds like a total bitch!"

"Yes, I suppose she was," he agreed. "I suppose it's my fault for asking out someone like that in the first place."

"Oh God, no, it ain't your fault!" exclaimed Harley. "I don't think you can ever be blamed for taking a chance on love. It's hard to do, and as long as you're being respectful, nobody should ever make you feel bad about taking that chance."

"Well, feelings are very difficult to control, as you well know," replied Crane.

"Yeah, I do," agreed Harley, nodding. "Still, there's no excuse for rudeness. All right, my turn. My worst Valentine's Day was when I was in first grade. You know now they make sure all the kids get valentines in elementary school, but I didn't get a single one that year. I had glasses and buck teeth and looked kinda geeky, and kids can be really cruel when you don't fit in. Anyway, I had this kiddie crush on this guy, Andy Parker, I'll never forget his name. So even though nobody gave me a card, I gave him one. He was counting out all the cards he got on his desk, and when he came to mine, he spit on it, then scrunched it up and threw it back at me. Needless to say, my crush died that day."

"I can't imagine anyone ever rejecting a valentine from you, Harley," said Crane.

"Well, imagine it, because it happened," said Harley. "We all have bad experiences growing up that shape who we are. Maybe not as traumatic as yours, but even people who we think are really successful probably went through a lot of pain to get there. I know Mr. J did, because of his accident, and Harvey did, because of his, and so did Red, and she's completely irresistible to men now, which just goes to show you."

"I actually would have assumed that Mr. Parker's casual dismissal of your feelings would have only made them stronger," retorted Crane, dryly. "It certainly seems to with the Joker."

"Yeah, but that's different," said Harley. "Mr. J ain't a schoolgirl crush – he's my soulmate, and my one true love. And sure, he can be a little insensitive sometimes, but when you love someone, you put up with the good and the bad. Don't you?"

"Yes, I suppose you do," sighed Crane.

"Anyway, Mr. J ain't never been petty enough to throw a valentine at me," continued Harley. "He throws knives or acid, that kinda thing. And he does do a lotta sweet things for me too. He just doesn't like showing affection in front of other people – thinks it makes him look weak. And frankly, among the thugs and ruffians of our world, it kinda does. If anyone ever wanted to destroy me, all they'd have to do is take away Mr. J. He can't let the same perception hold true for him."

"I suppose that does make sense, from a psychological standpoint," agreed Crane, reluctantly.

"Well, who do you think suggested it?" asked Harley with a wry smile. "Dr. Harleen Quinzel, psychiatrist extraordinaire. You of all people know I'm smarter than I pretend, Johnny. So trust me that the things I say are important to me are really important. I got as much control over my life as anyone, because as Mr. J says, nobody can really control anything about their life. If you want proof, just look around us," she added, gesturing to the plant. "I respect Mr. J enough to respect who he is, and he does the same for me. Most of the time," she added with a grin. "And I do enjoy manipulating him occasionally as long as he doesn't figure out that's what it is – I love a challenge, and our relationship is definitely that."

"As long as you're happy, Harley," sighed Crane. "I suppose that's all anyone can hope for."

"Well, I ain't happy trapped in here," said Harley, straightening up from lying on the hyenas, and stretching. "How long does it take to pick up something from the Batcave? It can't be that far. They ain't back yet, are they, Jervis?" she shouted outside.

"Not yet!" called back Tetch. "I'd try to call them, but as we've established, I don't have a phone, and Chloe is insisting she needs to be on hers."

"They've ditched us," voiced Chloe. "You should have gone with Batman to make sure that didn't happen, but it's too late now."

"Oh my God, I completely forgot about Chloe!" exclaimed Harley, slapping a hand to her forehead. "Geez, it's bad enough me missing out on Valentine's Day with Mr. J, but you're suffering just as much missing out on your time with her!"

Crane sighed. "To be honest with you, Harley, I couldn't care less about Chloe," he said. "I'd much rather spend today with you. Somebody I've…loved for a very long time."

Harley beamed at him. "Aw, that's sweet," she said, taking his hand. "I love you too, Johnny. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. I know people in friendships don't like to say 'I love you' because of its romantic connotations and all, but I think friends should definitely say it more often. It's a different kind of love, sure, but it's no less important to the people who feel it. I think everyone should be less squeamish about saying it."

"Yes," agreed Crane. "Perhaps I don't say it as often as I feel it, and maybe I should…"

"Well, I can't blame you after those disastrous Valentines Day experiences," said Harley, shrugging. "I'm surprised you have the courage to say it to me in case another woman rejects you. This world would be a better place if people would just be kinder."

"Well, I probably wouldn't be who I am if they were," said Crane, with a wry smile. "So yes, a better place."

"You're funny, Johnny," said Harley, smiling at him. "You know, even if you ain't encouraged by things with Chloe, I'm sure there's a perfect gal for you out there somewhere. You're a real catch, you know, I mean that. Smart and sensitive and funny – women love all that."

"Not in my experience," retorted Crane. "But thank you, Harley. That means a lot."

"I'm just being honest," said Harley. "Honesty is important between friends."

"Yes…it is," agreed Crane, slowly. Maybe the fact that he had been trapped in a plant all day had driven him crazy, because he suddenly cleared his throat. "And in the spirit of honesty, I need to tell you…"

He trailed off. "Yeah?" asked Harley, gazing at him.

"I need to tell you…that when I said I've loved you for a long time, I didn't mean…"

He trailed off again, losing his nerve. "You didn't mean what?" pressed Harley. "You didn't mean it?"

"No, no, no, I did mean it," he said, hastily. "But I didn't mean I loved you…as a friend. I meant…"

"We're back!" shouted Selina from outside suddenly.

"What on earth happened to you?" demanded Tetch. "You two look terrible, all disheveled and hastily dressed."

"We got in a fight," lied Batman. "With…thugs. It was a long and intense fight. With a lot of pounding."

"Well done, Bats, you're getting better," said Selina, smiling at him. "Harley, Johnny, you guys get over to the far side of the plant!" she called. "Batman's made a bomb he's going to try out!"

"Aw, geez, that's a terrible idea!" exclaimed Harley, as she pulled the hyenas to the far side of the plant. "If this thing blows up, these thorns are gonna shoot everywhere!"

"So keep your head down!" snapped Batman. "I'm lighting it now!"

"This definitely isn't safe," commented Crane, as he crouched down next to Harley. "That idiot Bat is going to get us both killed, and this isn't how I wanted my life to end."

"Really? It's kinda how I've always wanted mine to end," said Harley. "Surrounded by the ones I love, and who love me," she said, cuddling the hyenas. "Right?" she added, holding her hand out to Crane and smiling at him.

He smiled back. "Right," he said, taking her hand and shielding her body with his own as the bomb exploded.

The blast did indeed shoot hundreds of thorns in all directions, but it also blew a hole in the shell large enough for someone to fit through. The hyenas wasted no time in leaping out of the gap to freedom.

"Harley? Johnny? Are you ok?" called Selina.

"Fine!" coughed Crane through the smoke. "I think the thorns missed impaling us for the most part!"

"But not our clothes," muttered Harley, as she climbed out of the plant. Her outfit was ripped and torn in several places, and the same held true for Crane as he climbed out after her. "Thank God I didn't dress in anything fancy to go to the grocery store," she commented. "I can just toss these old rags."

"I, on the other hand, decided to wear suede out today," said Crane, brushing stray thorns off his jacket. "Which, to be fair, was already ruined by being inside the plant – there's sap in there, or something sticky anyway."

"Right, your clothes were totally ruined by the thorns and sap," said Chloe, who hadn't removed her eyes from her phone to watch the explosion. "And not because you were bored and stuck in there with nothing better to do."

"I'm not sure what you're implying," said Crane, glaring at her.

"Oh, come on," said Chloe, rolling her eyes. "You're two heterosexual people stuck in a small space for hours on end on Valentine's Day. Obviously you two got it on."

"Excuse me?" demanded Harley, her eyes flashing. "You think I would cheat on Mr. J?"

"I don't see why you wouldn't," said Chloe, shrugging. "He doesn't have to know about it, so where's the harm? I would cheat if the opportunity presented itself like being stuck in a small space all day with a man. I mean, maybe not with this guy since he's not at all attractive, but depending on how bored I was, it wouldn't have to be about attraction – it would just pass the time. Especially if I didn't have a phone – you gotta distract yourself somehow. People are disposable commodities, and not worth anything more than their bodies, everyone knows that. You might as well just use them to bring yourself pleasure, as you would any other commodity."

"That's a really horrible view on human relationships," retorted Harley. "And I don't think it's true. I was just saying to Johnny how important love is to any relationship, and my whole life is based around my mad love for Mr. J. If you think in a million years that I would cheat on him just because I was bored and it would give me something to do, then you don't know me at all."

"I can't help that you're an idiot," retorted Chloe, shrugging. "Limiting yourself to a narrow view of relationships, when sex really isn't any more of a big deal than going out for a meal, or going to the gym. It's a workout you're getting with another person – it's only centuries of oppression that have imbued it with this magical, mystical meaning, and enlightened people realize that. In today's modern society, the individual is the only thing that matters. You might as well have all the gratification you can get without being held back by ancient delusions about love and romance and monogamy. You should emancipate yourself from them."

"Emancipate this!" shouted Harley, punching her across the face.

"Harley, stop it!" shouted Batman, trying to hold her back, but she got a hand free and put two fingers to her lips, whistling for the hyenas.

"You're right – you're just a body my babies are gonna use for food!" shouted Harley, as the hyenas leapt on Chloe and began mauling her. "That's fair, right, since people should be used as commodities?! How do you like being hyena chow?!"

"Selina, take care of Harley!" snapped Batman, shoving Harley at her while he attempted to pull the hyenas away from Chloe, who was screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Really sorry about your date, Johnny, but you can do better than someone who thinks like that," said Harley.

"Indeed I can," agreed Crane. "Although Edward might be disappointed when he finds out what happened to her."

"These dangerous animals are being locked up now!" snapped Batman, as he managed to rip the hyenas away at last. "And I need to get her to a hospital…"

"I wouldn't bother, Bats - plenty of other commodities out there, right?" asked Harley, casually. "Honestly, people today just don't understand romance. Now I gotta go find Mr. J before I miss even more of today…"

"You're not going anywhere, Harley, except back to Arkham," interrupted Batman, as he struggled with the hyenas. He attempted to secure them to a park bench, but they ripped off the metal slat he had tied them to, so he looked around for something stronger while the hyenas tugged the slat between them like a stick. "I'm bringing Joker in too as soon as I find out where he is, so you two might get to spend Valentine's Day together after all."

"Bats, I promise, I ain't committing no more violence today," pleaded Harley. "I just wanna spend a special day with my puddin'. So just be a pal and let me go to him. Wherever he is…"

"He said he was going to Dini Towers when we ran into him earlier," said Tetch. "You might try there."

"She's not trying anywhere – she's going back to Arkham!" snapped Batman, who had managed to tie the hyenas' leashes to a lamp post. They struggled to free themselves – the one who had won the tug of war held the metal slat out to Crane, whining pitifully with pleading eyes. "Now come on…"

Batman had reached for Harley when something suddenly slammed into the back of his skull, knocking him to the ground. "That's for leaving us trapped in a plant for hours," muttered Crane, as he lowered the slat, which had just collided with Batman's head.

Selina immediately rushed over to see to Batman, shouting at Scarecrow, who smiled at Harley, "Happy Valentine's Day, Harley," he said.

Harley beamed at him. "My hero!" she exclaimed, embracing him and planting a kiss on his lips. "Happy Valentine's Day, Johnny! C'mon, babies!" she cried, grabbing the hyenas' leashes and skating off.

"Well, I hope that was worth it," commented Tetch. "Batman's going to show you no mercy when he comes to, and Selina's going to be even less merciful judging by her concern for Batman. His greatest enemy, my eye."

"That was worth everything," sighed Crane, dreamily, as he stared after Harley. "Best Valentine's Day ever."


	12. Chapter 12

Harley arrived at Dini Towers to the chaos of panicked people fleeing the place in vast numbers, which only confirmed the fact that the Joker was inside. Her skates and the hyenas required her to take the elevator, and the doors opened to reveal the restaurant in complete pandemonium.

There were fires burning on the tablecloths and floor where candles had been knocked over – bodies lay where they had fallen, or in chairs with their faces melted off. Some people had been impaled on musical instruments, there was nobody left in the room who wasn't dead or dying, and in the middle of it all sat the Joker alone at his table strewn with mutilated rose petals, sipping a glass of champagne and covered in blood.

"Puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, as the hyenas raced out of her grip and over to feast on the bodies.

"There you are!" hissed Joker, standing up suddenly. He was swaying unsteadily on his feet, and his body was shaking in a mixture of rage and intoxication – he had clearly had a lot of champagne, as his speech was slurring, and his voice kept fluctuating in pitch and tone. "How dare you show your face here, you little idiot?! What do you have to say for keeping me waiting all day, huh?!"

"I'm…sorry, puddin'!" gasped Harley. "So sorry…I got trapped in a plant…"

"Do you have any idea what I've been through today?" interrupted Joker. "No, of course not, it's all about you, as usual! Oooh, you were trapped in a plant! Well, I was trapped here for hours and hours thinking you or somebody sent by you was gonna show up! But did you show up? No! Nobody showed up! Except for everybody in Gotham – Rogues, the press, general citizens, seeing me, the Joker, alone on Valentine's Day! On his own, sucking down champagne because his girlfriend stood him up! Do you have any idea how pathetic that made me look?! Do you?!"

"I'm…I'm sorry, puddin'!" stammered Harley, tears in her eyes. "I didn't mean…"

"It'll be in all the papers tomorrow," continued Joker, ignoring her. "The Joker, the loser of Gotham City, abandoned by his girlfriend on Valentine's Day! His supposedly loyal and loving girlfriend, supposedly obsessed with him, supposedly madly in love, but that's all a lie! And why shouldn't it be?! Oh God, everyone says it, Pammie and Baby and Ryder and everyone – I'm a horrible boyfriend who doesn't deserve a girlfriend, especially not someone like you! That's what they all say, and that's what they all think, as they see me on my own here. They think 'Good for her – she's wised up at last, and left the pathetic clown on his own, just like he deserves!' They're all thinking that, look at 'em!" he shouted, gesturing around at the dead bodies and sloshing his champagne glass.

"Puddin'…" began Harley.

"I was called a worse boyfriend than Croc earlier!" he shouted. "Croc! You don't have any idea what that's like, so don't pretend you do! Well, lemme tell you, I ain't the one who stood you up, so who's the terrible other half now, huh? Is that what this is – a little payback for the way I've treated you? You want me to see how it feels to be the sucker in this relationship for once, is that right?"

"No, puddin', I…" began Harley again.

"You wanted me to have a taste of my own medicine, didn't you?" continued Joker. "That was your big plan for today! Well, mission accomplished, toots! But lemme tell you, nobody makes a fool outta the Joker, especially not some dumb little blonde whose mind I broke for my own amusement! How dare you ignore me on Valentine's Day, the most important day of the year for you?! Not for me, though – it don't mean crap to me," he added, downing the champagne glass. "Never has and never will. Because love is for suckers, and I'll never be the kinda sucker who loves anyone! You think I do, don't you? But you're wrong! This is a stupid holiday which means absolutely nothing to me, just like you mean absolutely nothing to me! And I clearly don't mean anything to you, after you stood me up! You've shown me just how little you actually care about today, and just how little you actually care about me! Well, lesson learned, Dr. Quinzel!" he said, smashing the empty glass on the floor. "Now c'mere!"

Harley approached him, trembling violently at the look in his eyes and preparing for pain. She was stunned when he suddenly seized her around the waist, shoving his mouth into hers.

"Great gag, baby," he whispered, when he drew away at last. "Perfect punchline. Showing me you don't care about this Valentine's Day crap any more than I do, showing me it's so meaningless to you that you can't even be bothered to turn up! I never saw it coming! Oh, you know just how to drive me crazy, you worthless little brat!" he gasped, mauling her mouth again. "And you don't know how much I've wanted to punish you for that!"

"Oh…puddin'!" gasped Harley, delighted, as he shoved her down on the table and climbed on top of her. "Oh, puddin', yes! Yes! Oh God, yes! Punish me hard, Daddy! I've been such a bad girl!"

"Now that's my kinda Valentine's Day, pooh," announced Joker, as he reached for a cigarette after the fires had all burned out. "Who could ask for anything more than rough sex and random violence?"

"Not me!" sighed Harley, happily, as she cuddled into his arms. "I couldn't have planned it any better, and I'm glad I didn't try."

"Really? You didn't plan this?" asked Joker, surprised. "Then why leave me a clue about the scavenger hunt?"

"What clue about the scavenger hunt?" asked Harley, puzzled. "I didn't plan a scavenger hunt."

"Well, I know that now," retorted Joker. "But some guy from here called the hideout reminding us not to be late for our reservation – I assumed that meant you had set up a surprise for me here."

"Why would you assume that?" asked Harley.

"Because you're a shrink, and you're always trying to pull some cheap psychological trick or subtle manipulation on me," retorted Joker. "And you're always reading too much into completely innocent things, and interpreting straightforward things as having double meanings, so why shouldn't I do the same?"

"Because you ain't a shrink, puddin'," retorted Harley. "You don't have the skills to analyze what's true and what's not."

"Oh, and you do, Dr. Quinzel?" demanded Joker. "Remind me again who fell for my scam about me being a tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance, and a lost, injured child trying to make the world laugh at his antics?"

"I never really fell for it, puddin', but I definitely couldn't put in my notes that you were perfect just the way you are and that I loved everything about you, could I?" retorted Harley. "You know I've never tried to change you, or see you as anything more than what you are."

"Right, I totally didn't manipulate you to break me out of Arkham," sighed Joker, sarcastically. "You believe what you want, of course, but you're delusional, toots."

"And you're delusional if you think an idiot woulda fallen for your abusive dad, absent mom sob story," retorted Harley. "And I ain't an idiot. I still chose to help you bust outta Arkham, even though I knew you were lying. Because I love you."

"Well, I definitely tricked you into falling in love with me, so I still win," retorted Joker, as he reached for his clothes. "Now let's get outta here – I've spent enough time in this dump to last me a lifetime."

"Okie dokie!" said Harley, grabbing her clothes and picking up the hyenas' leashes, who had settled down for a nap after a very full meal. Joker took one of the leashes from her, and then took her hand, kissing her cheek. "And I tricked you into falling in love with me too," Harley murmured to herself, smiling at him as they walked out of the restaurant hand in hand. "So I win."


	13. Chapter 13

"This is Vicki Vale on Gotham Insider with our top story: it was an unusual Valentine's Day for one notorious Gotham City resident – this reporter was lucky enough to spot the Joker sitting alone in Dini Towers, with his girlfriend Harley Quinn nowhere to be seen. While to all appearances it seemed as if the Clown Prince of Crime had been jilted, sources inform me that the Clown Couple were spotted leaving the restaurant together many hours later, hand in hand, so we can only assume a happy reunion has since occurred."

"That's our top story, is it, Vicki?" asked her co-anchor, Jack Ryder.

"Yes, it is, Jack," Vicki replied.

"Nothing else going on in the world but celebrity gossip, huh?" continued Ryder.

"You can't argue with viewing figures, Jack," retorted Vicki. "In related news, a number of people were killed when the Joker attacked the restaurant during his time there – those casualties have yet to be identified by their dental records as their faces were melted off, and many were chewed upon by what appear to have been hyenas."

"That seems more important than celebrity gossip to me, Vicki," commented Ryder.

"Speaking of celebrity gossip, I do have some of my own involving my co-anchor," said Vicki, smiling at the camera.

"No, you don't," said Ryder, hastily. "Swiftly moving on, Batman appears to have spent his Valentine's Day rescuing people from plant pods, no doubt set up by Poison Ivy. The villainous vixen of vines hasn't been seen in Gotham to take credit for the traps yet, so I do stress this is an unconfirmed plant attack, but really who else could it be?"

"I agree there's no need for due process in cases like this, Jack," said Vicki. "And speaking of no need for due process…"

"That's all for now – see you at six!" exclaimed Ryder, as the camera abruptly switched off.

"I wonder when Ivy will be back," commented Jervis Tetch, who was watching the news on the TV in the Arkham Rec Room. "She surely won't stay away for long when Batman is blowing up her plants. I imagine you'll have some harsh words for her when she returns."

"Oh, I think I can forgive her," said Crane, whose smile hadn't left his face since the previous day. "I think I can forgive anyone absolutely anything, even Batman for beating me senseless. Nobody can take Harley's kiss away from me, so I don't care what anyone does."

"Yes, you have been uncharacteristically cheerful since yesterday," said Tetch. "And I do thank you for concentrating Batman's rage so effectively upon yourself that he barely left me with a scratch."

"You're welcome," said Crane, adjusting his broken arm. "And I didn't even feel his beating – I was on cloud nine, and still am," he sighed. "From now on, I will remember Valentine's Day as the most wonderful day of the year, and the best holiday."

"Better than Halloween?" asked Tetch, aghast. "Surely not!"

Crane opened his mouth to respond when a familiar figure burst into the Rec Room in a cloud of fury. "You!" shouted Edward Nygma, throwing a finger at Crane. "What did you do to Chloe?!"

"Nothing personally," retorted Crane. "But she deserved everything that happened to her. Did she not survive the hyena mauling?"

"No, she did not!" shouted Nygma. "And now you and those mangy mutts have deprived me of the only woman who could ever love me!"

"Edward, I do hate to contradict you, but she was just using you," said Tetch. "She admitted as much to us completely voluntarily. She said she was hoping to trick you into marriage so that she could inherit your body when you died, and then she could put it on display as some kind of morbid exhibition."

Nygma stared at him. "She wanted to marry me?!" he demanded. "And then you murdered her?! Ok, well, now it's personal!"

"Didn't you just hear what he said?" demanded Crane. "First off, I didn't murder her, the hyenas did. And second off, she wanted you for your body after death, and that's it!"

"At least she wanted me for something!" snapped Nygma. "That's better than nothing, which, incidentally, is your situation with every woman ever!"

"I was kissed by a beautiful woman yesterday," snapped Crane. "A beautiful, grateful woman who called me her hero after I beat Batman into releasing her hyenas."

"Harley kissed you?" demanded Nygma. "Does Joker know?"

"No, and you are not going to tell him," retorted Crane.

"Well, I think it's only fair after you cost my girlfriend her life!" snapped Nygma. "Maybe he'll take your life out of jealousy!"

"Edward, you will not say a word!" snapped Crane.

"And how are you gonna stop me?" demanded Nygma.

"Well, for one thing, Joker's not here," retorted Crane. "And you are. I don't know how you're going to get a message from Arkham to the outside world…"

He trailed off as the door to the Rec Room opened and Joker and Harley strode in. "Hey gang," said Joker, taking a seat on the sofa. "How's tricks?"

"What…are you two doing here?" asked Crane, slowly.

"Well, we had a perfect, romantic Valentine's Day together yesterday," sighed Harley, settling herself on Joker's lap. "And today after Mr. J stopped continuously vomiting from his hangover, which took all morning, he says he's in the mood for some highly illegal hijinks, and who am I to refuse my puddin'? Especially after he had such a rough time yesterday when he thought he was stood up and had to deal with all those idiots presuming things about him and our relationship."

"Was one of those things that his girlfriend was kissing other men?" asked Nygma. "Because I've got news for him…"

"You surely can't believe a word that Edward says," interrupted Tetch. "He's furious about Chloe's death, and is willing to say anything to get revenge on her murderers."

"The babies are not murderers!" snapped Harley. "They were just hungry! Anyway, she deserved it for implying I would ever cheat on Mr. J!"

"Is kissing another man not cheating on him?" demanded Nygma. "Because Jonathan just bragged that she kissed him!"

Joker laughed. "Right, I totally believe Harley did that," he said, sarcastically. "Geez, Eddie, you sure must be desperate to make up an unbelievable lie like that! Harley's not blind, so she definitely wouldn't kiss that ugly freak."

"There, you see?" asked Crane, both insulted and relieved. "What did I tell you?"

"I did kiss Johnny though, puddin'," voiced Harley. "But it wasn't like a romantic thing – he had just knocked Bats out so I could escape with the babies. So I called him my hero and pecked him on the lips."

Crane's heart plummeted as Joker just looked at her. "You did…what?" he demanded.

"Oh my God, are you actually jealous?" demanded Harley. "It was just a sweet, innocent little kiss of gratitude – he deserved it after all the horrible Valentine's Days he's had, which he told me all about when we were trapped in the plant together."

"You were trapped in the plant _together_?" repeated Joker. "So Selina wasn't lying when she said you were spending Valentine's Day in an intimate setting with Scarecrow!"

"Yes, but it was all completely innocent, I assure you…" began Crane.

"How would you like it if I went around kissing other dames outta gratitude?" demanded Joker, glaring at Harley.

"You wouldn't – you ain't an affectionate person at the best of times," retorted Harley.

"Maybe not, but we've gotta even this out somehow," said Joker. He thought for a moment. "What if I kissed Johnny too?" he asked.

"Be my guest," said Harley, shrugging.

"No, that's all right," said Crane, hastily standing up and backing away. "It's not at all necessary…"

"I think it is," said Joker. "Or I'll be jealous forever. Now don't be such a baby – it'll just be a little peck on the lips, no tongue or anything…"

"Which is too bad, because Mr. J is a great kisser," commented Harley. "And he can use his tongue like nobody's business."

"You just stay away from me!" snapped Crane, as Joker approached him.

"Look, I know you're scared you'll enjoy it, but just let me kiss you!" snapped Joker, trying to grab him.

At that moment, a giant plant burst through the wall of the Rec Room, with a very angry woman riding it. "What the hell is going on here?" she asked, noticing Joker trying to embrace Crane.

"It's a long story, Red," sighed Harley. "Glad you're back though – how was Brazil?"

"Brazil was great," retorted Poison Ivy. "But unfortunately I had to cut my vacation short and hurry back because somebody went around blowing up my babies for Valentine's Day!"

"Yeah, it was Batman," said Harley. "But he kinda had no choice – Johnny and me got trapped in one of your plants, and there was no other way out. I tried talking to 'em and everything, but they didn't listen to me."

"That doesn't give you the right to go around murdering things!" snapped Ivy.

"Well, you might have accidentally murdered us by keeping us trapped in there," reasoned Harley. "The babies were trapped in there too, and if they had to stay in there without food, they probably would have tried to eat Johnny. But only as a last resort, and it wouldn't have been anything personal," she reassured him.

"The life of one worthless human is nothing compared to the hundreds of my babies!" snapped Ivy. "And anyway, I told you to stay away from the rose bushes!"

"Yeah, but you didn't tell Johnny," said Harley. "And he was trying to pull the babies away from Selina's cat when they fell into the roses…"

"So it was a self-inflicted situation," finished Ivy, nodding. "Which could have been avoided by a certain worthless human being minding his own business. So I do blame Johnny for Batman blowing up my babies, and after I'm through with Batman, I'm coming after him."

"You can't be serious – it wasn't my fault!" snapped Crane. "You might as well blame Harley, which I note you're not, because she's a woman, no doubt!"

"Are you accusing me of sexism?" demanded Ivy. "Because women can't be sexist!"

"You can't just change the meanings of words to suit yourself!" snapped Crane. "Sexism is discriminating against an entire sex, which you very clearly are!"

"No, just the members of that sex who murder my babies!" shouted Ivy.

"Woman, they are not your babies!" shouted Crane.

"Someone needs to cut the sexual tension between you two," commented Joker. Then he seized Crane and planted a kiss on his lips. "You can thank me later!" he chuckled, as Crane staggered back, dazed and horrified.

"Well, that's something I never wanted to see," commented Ivy. "And honestly, if J was ever gonna kiss any guy, I would have put money on it being Batman."

"Already done it!" chuckled Joker. "And I gotta say, Bats was a lot more satisfying. Well, look who I'm talking to, the gal who's poisoned kissed Batman so much he had to develop a special antidote for it."

"Well, I'm not kissing him now, but I am kicking his ass," announced Ivy, as her plant rumbled out of the room. "But I'll be back, and when I am, you're dead meat, Johnny!"

"Yes, and this isn't over between us!" snapped Nygma. "I will make you pay for killing Chloe!"

"That wasn't really his fault either," pointed out Tetch. "Why don't you go after Harley or Joker, who are the ones responsible for the hyenas? Is it because you're afraid of them?"

"No!" snapped Nygma. "No, it's not that at all! I just…think Jonathan's more responsible because of…perfectly valid reasons! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go plan my revenge in the privacy of my cell!"

"And I'm going to go be sick!" gasped Crane, racing out of the Rec Room covering his mouth.

"I'll go see if I can find some bleach," said Tetch, heading to the janitor's closet. "Not that I advocate ingesting it generally, but desperate times call for desperate measures."

He entered his friend's cell to see him scrubbing his mouth and spitting repeatedly.

"Oh God, I will never feel clean again!" Crane gasped, gargling mouthwash. "I suppose this is a sick joke for him – having to remember that where Harley's lips have been, his have also, and traumatizing me all over again by remembering that he kissed me! He's just the worst human being who ever lived!"

"Yes, I don't envy you, Jonathan," sighed Tetch. "But on the bright side, at least I know Halloween is still your favorite holiday now. And surely this can't still be the best Valentine's Day ever, after being threatened with death from multiple inmates, and being kissed by the Joker?"

Crane considered for a moment. "Sadly, it still is," he sighed, reaching for the bleach.

**The End**


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